Ladies In Distress: There's A Drink For That

by Evelyn Pelczar

When life throws unexpected bullsh*t in our faces whether it’s relationship problems, troubles at work, or any other kind of crap, there are only two ways to handle it: a therapist (but we all know that’s for psychotic crazy bitches) or alcohol (which sometimes turns people into psychotic crazy bitches).

Needless to say, I chose alcohol. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not a f*cking alcoholic (yet) and I do not condone abusing this magical gift given to us (too much), but alcohol can definitely take the sting from any bad news, if you do it properly. And by properly I mean with friends, probably more than 3, with music blasting, high ass stilettos, and a dress you’ll regret in the morning if you happen to strut your walk of shame (stride of pride).

The dreadful one too, where you wake up at noon and even though he may live close to a sidewalk where you can hail a cab, the walk out there seems like a 5 hour walk of judgment. Not to mention it always happens to be family day where you pass by countless strollers and kids walking with their parents while they look at you in horror as their kid may end up in your spot (sorry daddy). What? Nobody wears tight black dresses, heels, a bedazzled clutch and last night’s makeup for a day look anymore? Lindsay Lohan does it all the time though.

You'll probably return home and your roommate will ask you, "Did you have an awesome time? Did you drink awesome shooters, listen to awesome music, and then just sit around and soak up each other's awesomeness?" Why, yes. Yes I did. And then you'll find yourself remembering that there are various ways to cure life's unexpected bullsh*t and it depends on the alcohol you pick.

Here are a few drinks and situations in which they should be taken. Drink wisely.

For the bitch who picks whiskey:

We all know whiskey makes you frisky and this choice of drink will clear your mind of any thoughts after 2 glasses. In a fight with a friend? It’s okay, Jameson is your new one. In fact, your best friend. This drink may be too strong for some girls, but more for the bitches who are tired of pussy ass drinks, they will most definitely down pour this.

Even better mixed with Ginger Ale. It’s best taken after a shitty day at work when someone stole your promotion, you found out your ex wants to get back together, or your cell phone was stolen by a homeless man.

For the bitch who favors shots of patron:

To all my ladies in the place with style and grace, if you want to get f*cked off your face (I was a rapper in another life). Let’s f*cking forget our problems ASAP with 1,2,3, maybe 4 shots of this sh*t -- is usually what runs through this bitch’s mind. Let’s keep in mind though, not every stomach can uphold this. But it does make everything better.

Regular or coffee flavored is your ticket to bruises on your knees and swollen ankles in the morning. This option is perfect to get the sting out of whatever you may be going through and ASAP. From realizing you have 2 midterms the following day that you didn’t study for, finding out you failed those 2 midterms you didn’t study for, to coming to terms with the fact that you just walked in on your boyfriend cheating on you.

For the bitch who picks vodka:

Well who the hell doesn’t love vodka? It gets the job done to the point where you end up talking to everyone and anyone with no recollection the following day -- until you receive large amounts of Facebook friend requests or text messages from numbers you have to Google the area code just to try and ring a bell. Mixed with cranberry juice, orange juice, or the most prized – pineapple -- this concoction is the reason for white girl wasted.

The girls stumbling in the meatpacking district: vodka. The girl scarfing her face with food at 3a.m.: vodka. Why you gave your number out to the 50-year-old man: vodka. Best taken: after a break up, after getting fired from your shitty 9-5 job, finding a spider in your bathroom, or before a pedestrian baby shower.

For the classier bitch who picks wine:

This choice is far too classy to make you seem like an alcoholic. You can have it at any time of the day, with any meal, and it only heightens your choice of expensive taste. Hell, it may even get you so tipsy that you throw in a fake Italian accent. Just for kicks of course. Fact is, most women love wine to the point where their teeth are stained from drinking so much or their lips turn purple.

Don’t be alarmed, it’s the new lip liner. Best taken: after a shower when you realize you have to watch a chick flick alone, at an awful family dinner, when you find out your friend is banging the hot guy you called dibs on, or when you want to pretend to be European.

The ultimate classy bitch will always pick champagne:

The best place to get your bubbly will always be brunch. Bitches love brunch. And champagne. And being able to look like a million bucks while acting like a complete imbecile. The girls who choose champagne are usually dealing with a boy-related problem. So she’ll go out with her friends -- models and bottles. She’ll either pop some or take a champagne facial, which has none of the benefits of a real facial and does not help your pores ladies. Just in case people actually believed that.

But champagne can easily become a girl’s next boyfriend for the night as she holds her flute close by her side…or the entire bottle if she’s really feeling sad and her favorite Tiësto song just happens to come on. But like I said, this is usually the best solution for a post break-up, finding out your ex is getting married (or just so happen to be at your ex’s wedding), or trying to forget about your tremendous amount of school debt.

So when life throws us girls curve balls, sometimes “finding a friend to talk to” just doesn’t cut it. But a glass of your favorite alcoholic drink sure will. In any case, remember that the next time you’re going through a sucky situation that you will always have friends to back you up in the decisions you make. Friends that you can always confide in and easily find…behind the bar.

Independent Doll | Elite.