I have something to get off my chest: I f*cking hate baby showers, with a fiery, irrepressible, burning passion.
Disclaimer: I don't hate babies. In fact I'm actually pretty into babies and plan on having a precious little babe of my own one day (soon). I mean, to NOT pass down these brilliant, lewd, obsessive-compulsive genetics would be a total CRIME against humanity.
I wouldn't dare deprive this dismal world of little fabulous baby Zaras prancing around the Universe. That would just be mean. And I'm many things, but mean is not one of them.
Truth be told, I just don't fit in at baby showers. I feel out of context at a baby shower. It makes me feel once again, like the bad kid at school in the too-short skirt that the teachers disapprove of and parents raise their eyebrows about.
I WANT to fit in (love me! approve of me! validate me!) but I always seem to silence the room with a seemingly innocent comment, or buy the wrong gift or piss off the mom-t0-be by wearing something that really highlights how NOT pregnant I am.
Baby showers don't like me, and I don't like baby showers. I'm 29, and a slew of my friends are starting to get knocked the f*ck up. (At least my straight friends. Us gays tend to wait it out a little longer. I mean it's hard for lesbians to play on the adult gay softball team when they're six months pregnant, you know?)
I'm going to say something that's probably going to prevent me from ever attending a baby shower again, and that will really piss off my more um, "settled" friends.
But you know what? All of us single people think it, so I'm going to freaking say it: Why are we forced to spend gazillions of dollars, attend a cheesy party with not nearly enough booze, "oooh" and "aww" at onesies and play stupid games just because you got pregnant?
Oh god, I'm really throwing myself under the bus here, but this is how I feel (and I know I'm not the only one). You haven't achieved anything by getting knocked up. Yes, it's wonderful, it's a new life, it's fab and I'm happy for you -- but really? All you did was f*ck without a condom.
And come to think of it you know what? I've made it to 29 years old without a pregnancy scare or an STD (and yes, I used to sleep with men). Where is my shower? Sh*t, maybe instead of a 30th birthday party I will throw myself an "I'm STD-free" shower. I will register at Saks Fifth Avenue and Nastygal.com for those of you who don't have a high-end department store budget, because I'm gracious.
Since I know I'm not alone in hating baby showers, I've compiled a list to help you get blacklisted from all baby showers, like me. (Come to think of it, it's been awhile since I've been invited to one).
Follow these 10 steps and I promise you, you won't ever have to force an "aww" over a pastel monogrammed pacifier again.
1. Wear something that shows HOW NOT PREGNANT you are.
It doesn't matter what your body shape/size is, flaunt the sh*t out of that bod. I'm talking crop tops, bodycon dresses, or just something really wild that a mother-to-be wouldn't be caught dead in (glitter jumpsuit?).
Also make sure you're wearing really sexy open-toed shoes. Shoes more than anything will really highlight your non-pregnancy, because we all know pregnant girl got herself some SWOLE feet.
(God, karma is really going to kick my ass for that one. My feet will probably swell so badly when I'm preggo I won't be able to walk).
2. Wear black.
Nothing kills the powder-pink and baby-blue ~mood~ like a woman dressed like a slutty Morticia in head-to-toe BLACK attire.
3. Talk loudly about your free-wheeling, childless life.
"Oh I'm heading to Bali next week for two months. Maybe three. I just need to take time away from the city to focus on my creative projects, you know?"
4. Show up buzzed, late and gift-less.
Nothing will make you hated by a group of sorority sisters who have spent 12 hours decorating a stale room in the back of a stale restaurant with little "booties" and pink cupcakes than a scene like this:
Breeze into the room, reeking of champagne and Chanel No. 5 (not good for the bab-ay) an hour late, making a grand entrance in stilettos with a large, fashionable tote bag.
"Oh darlings, I'm so sorry I'm late, traffic was a NIGHTMARE," you will dramatically lament as if it's YOU who is under stress. "Sweeties," you will purr, pointing to one of the sorority girls, "can you get me some champagne, my buzz from brunch WORE off in that lonnnngggg taxi drive."
"Sure, let me collect your gift first," Ms. Alpha Beta Whatever will say through gritted teeth.
"Oh! My bad! I've had such a STRESSFUL week, me and bae just got back from two weeks in the Hamptons, can you imagine settling back into the city? I TOTALLY FORGOT. I will send a check."
5. Announce a really big career achievement.
Today is a day about BABIES. Because nothing in the world is more important than BABIES. Women with BABIES have accomplished more than anyone else, right?
Unless you're just off major career achievement, in which case this special day, when we are celebrating the pending birth of little baby Tulip (have you noticed the flower name baby trend? I do kind of dig it) is a perfect day to announce that YOU just scored a recurring role on the next season of "Girls," and will be relocating to LOS ANGELES in a month.
But really the day isn't about you and your newfound fame, it's about THE BABY.
6. If you're a lesbian, bring your girlfriend.
Who is guilty of this sin: ME! Part of baby shower etiquette is that women have to suffer through them without their significant others.
NOT LESBIANS! HA! I mean we are two girls -- what could possibly be wrong about us bringing our lovers along?
Every straight bitch in the room will be twisted and bitter that they can't bring their boyfriends, but they won't be allowed to say anything because no one, not even conservative Republicans want to risk sounding "homophobic."
Let us have it. I mean it's one of the few PERKS we get.
7. Get tossed.
Channel wildly inappropriate single Auntie Grace (there is one in every family). Don't get blackout drunk (that will make everyone feel better about their lives), just get like lovely buzzed and be really obvious about it and look really fierce and sexy as you knock back the champagne.
8. Don't participate in games.
When it's time to play games, or open presents for that matter, simply don't participate. I mean, no one can FORCE you. In fact, gather a group of other salacious girls to gossip in the kitchen with you.
9. Incessantly talk about how crazy you and "mama-to-be" were in your reckless youth.
No one associates sins with a mom to be. It's as if all the crazy, reckless sh*t she did just a year ago NEVER HAPPENED. No, she is now a mom in a floral dress ready to bake you a PIE, darling.
Nothing kills that illusion like your loud ass making a loud-ass toast recalling the times you used to get kicked out of every bar in Brooklyn and the time she hooked up with three dudes in ONE NIGHT.
10. Compare your dog motherhood to actual motherhood.
This is the Holy Grail to really make you the most hated person at a baby shower. Enthusiastically compare your relationship with your dog to actual MOTHERHOOD. Gets you blacklisted every time.
Mission f*cking accomplished, babe. No more begrudgingly puff-painting onesies for you.