My skin is really f*cking nice. I'd say “not to brag,” but I am bragging. It's soft and clear AF. I'm literally stroking my cheek right now.
Oh, rule one of nice skin: Only touch your face with the back of your hand, because your fingers are covered in dirt.
OK, yes, I was genetically gifted with smooth skin. I've never had an acne problem or whatever, but my skin goes beyond naturally smooth. It is AS SOFT AS A FRESHLY BLOOMED ROSE PETAL FROM THE GARDEN OF EDEN BEFORE EVE'S APPLE INCIDENT.
I have spent the last quarter of a century perfecting my skincare regime. Through trial and error, advice from my mom and a lot of beauty articles, I've figured out exactly what you have to do to have a skin that feels like rose petals.
This routine isn't going to work for everyone. This is for white girls like me who don't get acne. So, I'm not assuming this the following regime will save your life.
But if you have normal to dry skin, this is going to be your new sh*t. Read on, and let me change your damn life without decimating your bank account.
The morning ~routine~ that makes me a queen
LOL, I rhymed.
So, I'm not a morning person. I look like literal ass. Despite my hag face upon waking up, I manage to walk out of the house looking like a ravishing ~goddess~. I don't feel bad about saying that because why should I?
I want to be young forever, so I need a cream that is moisturizing AF. Kiehl's wrinkle cream (3) makes your skin like velvet heaven. It's like $50. I get it -- f*ck me, right? But seriously. Your skin will feel like that velvet dress your mom told you never to throw away. Like BUTTER. I'm telling you, bitch. I put on a dime-sized droplet over my skin. It lasts forever. Like years. It's worth it, and I'm cheap as hell.
I wash my face just at night, because washing your face two times a day means drying your skin out, and I hate that. So I just stick with a little extra wrinkle cream in the morn and call it a day.
I then take two to three droplets of eye serum (2) and dab it under my eyes. Eye cream is important, because the skin around your eyes is the thinnest and more sensitive on your face. That's some choice wisdom from my mom. You're welcome. She's a nice lady.
You have to be gentle with your eye skin or you'll look like the Wicked Witch of the West. I got my eye cream at an Elite Daily beauty sale for a dollar. I recommend it, despite the fact that locating this shiz on Google took 58 years. It keeps my eye holes really firm.
Finally, I pop on some BB Cream (1). BB cream is like foundation, only it's not disgusting and has SPF. It's my go-to beauty product because it does a lot of different things for not a lot of money and I don't like complicated. It protects my white skin from the sun (f*ck you, sun) and it helps to blend my skin tone to perfection.
Other than that, I only wear eye makeup because f*ck having dry skin and wearing other sh*t. (Side note: When you're taking off your eye makeup, dab your skin. Never rub. Thanks, Mom!)
I bring my Jack Black (4) lip balm in my purse with me. It has Shea Butter and Vitamin E. I'm a huge lip balm snob. I promise this stuff is the best sh*t on the planet. It makes my skin feel like heaven for $7.50.
Nighttime is where all the good sh*t happens, guys
I go to the gym every day (I know, yay me) and get sweaty AF, so optimal shower time is at night. If you need to wash your face in the morning too, that's OK. I just don't like it.
When it comes to face wash, you need something purifying without making your skin dry. I use a red clay face wash from First Aid Beauty (6, below), because it's really deep cleansing while keeping my skin touchibly soft. It's $24, so not so bad too. It also removes all my makeup. I despise makeup remover because it feels greasy, you know? It's gnarly. I hate it. I won't do it.
I don't give a f*ck what any skin care ~professional~ says about St. Ive's scrub (1) being too rough, I swear by that sh*t. It's the only exfoliator that I've ever really loved. It gets the job done, unlike other products out on the market.
Just don't rub super hard and tear your face off. Scrub in small circles, gently. It makes your face feel like you are a baby who has just been born, soft and new and AMAZING. And only use it once a week, so as not to over dry. I use it on Wednesdays, AKA hair washing day.
After my shower, I dry off. REMEMBER, dab dry; never rub. Or you will be wrinkled like an old lady. At least, that's what my mom says. I'm not about to find out if she's lying.
L'oreal Hydrafresh Toner, $11, Amazon; Firming Eye Serum, $85, Restorsea; Jack Black Intense Therapy Lip Balm, $10, Amazon; Olay Regenerist Night Recovery Cream, $23, Amazon; Kiehl's Hydro-Plumping Re-Texturizing Serum Concentrate, $70, Amazon; First Aid Beauty Skin Rescue Deep Cleanser, $24, Amazon
I remove any left over face wash residue with a drugstore brand, alcohol-free toner (1). Trust me, you have no idea how much sh*t is left on your face. Get toner, OK? Promise?!
I dab on a few drops of Kiehl's hydropump serum (4), which I like because a beautiful gay man in college once recommended it to me -- and also because it feels like you're giving your skin an actual drink. It's hydrating and never greasy.
I then slather on my Olay night cream (5) and some more Jack Black lip balm. The only reason I use Olay is because my mom uses Olay. It is super moisturizing and when I wake up in the morning, despite looking literally so ugly, my skin is still saturated. I'm not going to be down with some bullsh*t cream that rubs off and leaves my skin vulnerable in the night, you know?
Lastly, a weekly face mask is the secret to really gorgeous skin. I read that in Cosmo or something. It's like a reset button for your face. You should use something really purifying, something that will remove all the buildup and impurities without f*cking you up. I use a weekly face mask from First Aid Beauty (2, above).
What's so great about it? Let me tell you. When you spread it over your skin, it looks like you're covering yourself with the blood of virgins. So, my reason for loving it is a little unconventional. I get it. But it's made of red clay and pulls all the dirt, dead skin and the other gross stuff out of your pores. Red clay makes you look like Lilith from "True Blood," but it makes you glow afterwards like Cate Blanchett in that movie where she's an elf queen.
And that is how you get skin as soft as a baby's ass. You're welcome.