We’ve all experienced this phenomenon at least once in our dating histories: the person who is extremely hot, but also extremely terrible. Quite literally, on the outside everything appears to be flawless, until you're 10 minutes into a conversation about modern day romance and you’re wondering if it’s you who is crazy or the other person.
“Can we quickly stop by my ex-girlfriend’s party?”
Okay, definitely him.
They are the ones who know they are gorgeous, know they wield an immediate effect on people, and yet, totally drop the ball when it comes to being a real person. It’s this constant expectation that, somehow, their appearance will make up for the fact that they are completely insane.
Think about it: Would Paul Varjack in “Breakfast At Tiffany’s” have endured capricious mood swings and pesky neuroses if his companion didn’t look like Holly Golightly?
The funny thing is, despite this person’s obvious missing screws, we’re still madly attracted to him or her. It’s like his or her good looks have turned us into a different kind of crazy that momentarily suspends good judgment and tolerates absolute nonsense -- all in the name of having someone nice to look at.
There’s something very drawing and deliciously spontaneous about people who can completely alter themselves unexpectedly. They’re challenging and never boring, and despite all the drama and heartache, you have a hard time letting them go. You think, perhaps their energies can change you, or bring you down with them...
It’s an internal struggle for both parties, really. On the one hand, you want him to be just a little bit more down-to-earth, but you don’t want to give up him up because presently you probably won’t find someone hotter. And for the other person, he has no idea why you can’t stand him, yet continue to sleep with him. Herein lies one of the many problems that arise when dating someone who is totally sexy, but totally demented.
I had the pleasure of seeing my former hot-but-crazy flame at a bar recently. Being with him was completely liberating but also terrifying at the same time. Since he was definitely off (he liked to shower before working out so that he could “sweat clean”), I had no problem saying whatever I wanted around him; however, he was also drop-dead handsome, which made me incredibly nervous and simultaneously turned on. He basically made me just as crazy as he was.
After going a month or so without speaking since the last time we slept together, the same feeling of dreadfully wanting someone arose and I found myself hyper-aware of his presence around the room. And, as if his mere breathing sounded alarms within my friends, they all encircled me with warnings of “Hot-But-Crazy is here. Remember this.” (A note on the friends of HBC Idolaters: Regardless of your pleadings and foresight into the crash and burn future, only the HBC Idolaters themselves can quit the relationship. I've heard earplugs help.)
I was pleased to note that despite his dapper looks and signature smile, he wasn’t having any success picking up girls. I always had the slight suspicion that he wasn’t cool, but the hotness so greatly clouded my judgment back then that anything he did -- even the time he wore see-through pants without boxers -- was swoon-worthy.
After watching him make the rounds and hit on every blonde chick that fit his profile, he finally came to my bar territory.
“You remember that I live really close to here, right?” he asked me. Of course I remembered. We once walked home together and he practically accosted a child and his mom who were playing in the park at 3 am, simply because they were in the park at 3 am. (I rationalized this crazy behavior by telling myself he would make a great father.)
“Yes, and I was just leaving,” I cooly replied.
I was hesitant. The familiar feeling of hating-myself-for-wanting-to-say-yes-despite-knowing-better came over me. My mind envisioned what it would be like waking up there tomorrow morning: Him getting angry that I didn’t want to order in bagels, me praying I could still like myself when I brushed my teeth in the mirror.
Finally, I realized I didn’t need to rekindle whatever was left of this extremely gorgeous person to make me feel better about my life.
Okay, maybe I did need the confirmation that the offer was still on the table (I’m not perfect, people), but I didn’t need the ensuing disasters and crazy behaviors that would absolutely arise following our brief tryst. I don’t hate myself that much.
“Actually, I think I’m just going to stick with my friends for a while longer.”
Ain’t that the truth.
Here is what I’ve learned from dating a hot and crazy individual:
1. There’s not much else to them besides looks
When you’ve only had to rely on your looks your entire life, coupled with your bat-sh*t insane personality, there’s not much room for deeper development. If you’re one of the few gems who happens to also be funny, that’s because you were probably unattractive in high school.
2. They are either really selfish or really incredible in bed
I can’t say definitely for women, but the men are either A) Completely obsessed with their own pleasure, or B) The combination of his sexy body and knowing moves are exactly what you hoped they’d be when you first laid eyes on him. To my former HBC’s credit, his expertise was a major factor in maintaining my masochistic relationship with him.
3. No one has ever told them no
It’s like when your sweet, cuddly puppy looks up at you, begging for a treat with those syrupy eyes and precious nose. You think, “How could I say no to this face?” You just can’t. Good boy.
4. They have irrational fears when it comes to vanity
The way my HBC reacted to a non-existent wrinkle was reminiscent of the Evil Queen in "Snow White." They have more elaborate skin routines than a Neutrogena model and the better part of their day is spent doing personal upkeep.
5. They think they can get whatever they want
The key to actually baiting these people is playing a confident game of hard-to-get -- but to a fault. In the more extreme cases, their sense of entitlement also earns them the honorary Douche Stamp.
6. Natural flirts
When you’re in his graces, you’re the only one who matters… well, for that moment at least. They’re inherently flirtatious, which also makes it that much harder to resist them. Even more problematic is that they’re fully aware of their provocative actions, but thrive off the occurring drama when you become irritated with their promiscuity.
There has never been real consequences to their actions because they believe they can get away with anything (see #5). I can vividly recall a time when I had to kick the HBC out of my apartment in the wee hours of the morning because I actually thought he was going to strangle my roommate for accidentally eating his late-night pizza.
8. Great lovers
They get you high and they get you low without doing anything except driving you wild with their maddening good looks. And that, that is reason enough to break up with them.