He Leaves Voicemails: 45 Signs He's Not Clingy, He's Stage 5 Crazy

by Ashley Fern

Every female, at one point in her life, has had that overly attached guy around who has made her want to crawl out of her skin.

You know, that man who is a little too emotional, a little too available and a little too all up in her business.

But for some reason, as much as we like complaining about these men, we keep them around because who doesn't love attention?

Sounds twisted right? Yup. But we also love complaining, so why would we kick them to the curb?

We may be facilitating the problem until we hit our breaking point, but it doesn't detract from the fact that these men are a breed of their own and need to be returned to the wild.

There's a fine line between clingy and creepy, as we've all bore witness to the prime example of in “Wedding Crashers.”

Unfortunately, there are times we don't realize this until it's too late, and we've wasted years investing in these people.

It's okay if that's the situation — the important thing is that you realize it and remove yourself.

So how do you make that distinction between creepy and clingy? Well...

1. He doesn't just text you; he knows your phone number.

2. He doesn't just ask where you are; he shows up by finding your iPhone.

3. He expects you to show up without fail, but he doesn't hold himself to the same standards.

4. He doesn't wake you up by poking you in the back; he wakes you up by staring at you in the face.

5. He doesn't just take you to dinner; he orders for you.

6. He doesn't just make out with you; he kisses you with his eyes wide open.

7. He doesn't just cry after sex; he showers twice.

8. He doesn't just like dogs; he gets one and names it after you.

9. You guys don't just go jewelry shopping; he's asks you what kind of engagement ring you want.

10. He doesn't ask about your feelings; he tries to dictate them.

11. He doesn't just see a future; he tries to move in with you within two weeks of dating.

12. He doesn't just ask you on a second date; he asks what you're doing in a month.

13. He doesn't just want you to meet his parents; he insists you FaceTime with them.

14. He doesn't ignore your past; he just adds all your exes on Facebook.

15. He doesn't just follow your Instagram; he likes pictures from 187 weeks ago.

16. He doesn't just ask you out; he wants to make it official on Facebook.

17. He doesn't just say your name; he tattoos it on himself.

18. He doesn't ask to accompany you to plans; he demands you make him yours.

19. He doesn't just complain about you clogging the drain with your hair; he actually collects it.

20. He doesn't think you mean it when you want to break up; he thinks you just mean you don't want to hang out tonight.

21. He doesn't just make you take the Plan B pill; he takes it too.

22. He doesn't just think of the two of you; he refers to everything as "we."

23. He doesn't just know where you work; he shows up unexpectedly.

24. He doesn't just drop bank; he asks to join your bank...account.

25. He doesn't just cook for you; he insists on feeding you.

26. He doesn't write love notes; he smears it on the mirror with lipstick.

27. He doesn't want to be your everything; he wants to be your only thing.

28. He doesn't just go with you on your family vacations; he shows up with his own family.

29. He never texts; he only calls.

30. He doesn't just check in; he leaves eight-minute voicemails.

31. He doesn't just drunk dial you; he drunk cries you.

32. He doesn't just spoon you; he spoon-feeds you.

33. He doesn't just call you “babe;” he invents pet names.

34. He doesn't just buy you a drink; he makes the local bar name a cocktail after you.

35. He doesn't sleep; he stares at you through the night.

36. He doesn't just take selfies of you; he takes pictures of you when you don't know it.

37. He doesn't just stay over; he packs his bags and makes a drawer.

38. He doesn't add you in his phone book; he puts you at the top of his favorites.

39. He doesn't just want to hold your hand; he wants to holds your purse.

40. He doesn't kiss you goodnight; he kisses your ass.

41. He doesn't just like your friends; he calls them regularly.

42. He doesn't ask your opinion; he needs it.

43. He doesn't want to just know your last name; he wants to give you his.

44. He doesn't try and make you laugh; he tries to be a one-man show.

45. He doesn't respect your body; he demands ownership of it.

For more of her thoughts, humor and ridiculous opinions follow Ashley Fern on Instagram and Twitter.