I'm a very hairy person. My mother tells me it's because I'm Jewish, but I think it's because I did something horribly wrong in a past life.
Naturally, this has gotten me in a fair bit of trouble with guys. I once dated a dude who would point out every time I needed to get my girl 'stache waxed, which embarrassed the crap out of me. Then, I spent a night with a guy who told me he wouldn't go down on me unless I were totally smooth.
Men have absolutely no idea how much effort goes into making our bodies resemble naked mole rats. We tweeze, pluck, wax and thread every follicle, and do so (mostly) without complaining. You don't know what real pain is until you get a Brazilian wax on day two of your period.
Guys don't seem to understand grooming is a two-way street.
I don't complain about your gnarly chest hair or those stray hairs on your toes. For the most part, I don't care. But if you have an opinion on my body hair, I'll have one on yours. It's only fair, right?
Gents, get educated.
Your beard is hot. It also hurts.
#NoShaveNovember is my favorite time of year, and not just because it's my birthday month. All those unkempt beards and 'staches make November as hot as July in New York City.
All that stubble, however, kind of kills my vibe if I'm getting up close and personal with you.
Think about what it feels like to scrub your face with sandpaper. That's kind of what it's like when I kiss you and your three-week-old beard. Let's not even discuss what it feels like when your furry face is buried between my legs.
I'm not telling you to shave. Just don't get offended when I cringe every time you get close to me.
Stop shaving your chest.
Maybe this is a personal pet peeve, but lay off the Ryan Gosling abs. I mean, by all means, continue going to the gym, but stop waxing and lasering off your body hair to look like him.
Chest hair is manly. It's hot. It doesn't need to be waxed off, or worse, shaved off. Besides, girls can totally tell if you're shaving that sh*t because the stubble grows back rough and wonky.
Girls have an opinion about your pubes.
If a chick says she doesn't care about the state of your d*ck bush, she's lying.
Every girl's preference is different. Some of us like it totally bald down there, while others want to find the d*ck in the haystack.
Me? I believe a dude's junk usually looks bigger and better if it's unencumbered by a maze of man fur. On that note, going totally bald just looks kind of weird. Trimming it a bit is the way to go.
Let your eyebrows do their thing.
Hey, guys, girls can totally tell if you're doing your brows. No one's arches are that perfect, and I actually maintain mine.
I had an ex that was obsessed with his brows. So obsessed, in fact, that he regularly asked me to help tweeze them. I'm sorry, but there's nothing less attractive than straddling a guy, holding a tweezer a millimeter from his peepers.
Let your brows live. If it bothers you that much, tweeze a couple of errant hairs. Otherwise, they should be doing their own thing up there.
Unless you're an athlete, don't shave your legs.
Again, this might be a personal thing, but shaved legs on guys look as unnatural as pigs flying or Kylie Jenner not Snapchatting for a full week.
Unless you're a pro athlete and leg hair genuinely hinders you, drop the razor. Your legs look weird.
Lastly, don't tell us what to do with our body hair and we won't tell you what to do with yours.
Don't shame me for my unkempt brows, girl 'stache, leg hair or anything else, and I won't say sh*t about your gnarly pit hair. Easy, right?