I f*cking love winter.
Sure, it’s cold out and I have to switch up my booty shorts for fleece tights. But, it’s all worth it when I think of all the maintenance I'm skipping out on.
That’s right. No need to worry about my chipped pedicure or the annoying back pimple I can’t reach because no one will witness either until April.
The best perk of cold weather, though, is I get to put my wax kit down. Women are finally free to go au naturel.
Seeing as it’s extremely unlikely I will find someone worth shaving for, anyway, I've resolved to spend all winter vegetating in my body fur.
As any hairy girl knows, sketchy things happen when you don't shave for long periods of time.
1. Your armpit hair is long enough to knit Christmas sweaters.
Is this how mohair sweaters were invented?
2. You tried bleaching your nipple hair and regretted it immediately.
Feel the burn. And the inability to ever breastfeed your future children.
3. You’re convinced your leg hair is visible through your tights.
Let’s be real, though, you don’t give a f*ck.
4. Your bush is an actual Forbidden Forest.
You need a wand to navigate between those legs.
5. You don’t even bother buying a razor unless you know you’re getting laid.
If you're shaving, he'd better worship at the altar of your hairless vagina.
6. You use your bangs to cover up sh*tty eyebrows.
Eyebrows on fleek? Only when it’s above 60 degrees.
7. Your happy trail is more like an eight-lane highway.
Happy trails are so hot on guys. But, the moment I get one stray hair, I wax the sh*t out of it.
Double standards, get the f*ck out.
8. You avoid pedicures so the technician doesn’t have to pluck your gnarly toe hairs.
Well, at least it’s not sandal season.
9. The only thing you pluck is that one chin hair. It always manages to grow back.
Didn’t I just tweeze this last week? Why is it still here?
10. Your biggest fear is someone spotting a stray nose hair at a holiday party.
Don’t try plucking it. Trust me.
11. Your lower back hair reminds you about the importance of avoiding bikinis and low-rise jeans.
You can still remember that one time some asshole in 7th grade called you Cousin It.
12. You don’t wear dark lipstick in case it brings attention to your ‘stache.
You still have a few months before you'll look like Nick Offerman.
13. Low-cut tops mean one thing: cleavage hair.
Hopefully, everyone is too distracted by 'the girls' to notice that one black hair.
14. Your sideburns rival Prince's.
15. Your leg and bikini hair have merged into one.
You’re not sure where your cooch fur ends and your thighs begin.
16. You DGAF about any of this because it’s still winter for another four months.
Spring? What's that?