I can’t remember the last time I washed my vibrator.
Yes, I know we’re supposed to wash it between uses as they basically become a bacteria petri dish and render your vagina useless for at least a week.
But, hey, between "Full House" reruns and feeding my cat, a girl can forget to wash her vibe every once in a while. This is a judgement-free zone.
When I’m with a guy, I like to think I’m incrementally more considerate. I brush my teeth after giving a blowjob. I wash my toys between uses.
Just kidding, I don’t do that either.
There’s an obvious benefit to being super-comfortable with your guy. For example, you can eat crummy cookies in the same bed you just f*cked in and then feel relaxed enough to fart in his or her presence.
There are, however, the pitfalls. You’re probably nasty and dirty as hell together. Romance is when both of you manage to not discuss your bathroom habits at dinner table. And you know the play-by-play of each other's stomach aches. Not that any of this is a bad thing, of course.
Hey, if you're swapping spit and other bodily fluids already, you might as well get comfortable, right?
Here's how you know you and your partner are just a tad too comfortable with your toys.
1. You make him wash your sex toys.
If he ever plans on being inside you, he better get used to cleaning everything else that pays a visit.
2. Conversely, you still use your dirty toy that has residue on it but who cares?
As long as you don’t get a UTI, does it really matter?
3. You don’t throw your dildo at your boy anymore because he finally learned how to use it.
“It” being the vibe or his dick, whichever.
4. You casually talk about dildos, strap-ons and butt plugs at nice dinners.
It’s not a nice dinner until you’re talking about what you’re really eating later.
5. You treat your trash can as a basketball hoop for condoms.
Bonus points if they’re used.
6. You don’t even bother hiding the vibe anymore.
If he can’t love your vibe, he can’t love you.
7. You can’t remember the last time you answered the phone/went on Skype/cooked dinner/wrote an e-mail without a vibrator.
Errands are about to become way more fun.
8. You invest in a super expensive sex toy instead of buying each other Christmas presents.
Bey and Jay definitely have a gold JimmyJane.
9. You visit Babeland together and have actual relaxed conversations about the merchandise.
You don’t even make a face when he brings up anal beads.
10. No toy is too intimidating for you to try.
Nipple clamps? Butt plugs? Vagina weights? Done, done and done.
11. You know deep down, there’s nothing sex toy cleaner can’t sanitize.
If you decide to ever use it, that is.
12. "Lazy day" sex consists of him prodding you with a vibrator for two minutes until you finish.
He’s a keeper.
13. Whips and chains are totally yesterday’s news.
You’re not an amateur.
14. You named your dildo something totally weird.
You’re not going anywhere without Mr. Peacock.
15. You’ve used it to plug holes that don’t need plugging.
If it makes you feel good, who's judging?
16. You bring it along with you on vacations/dinners/bowling.
It ain’t a party until Mr. Peacock joins.