If you want to see a girl in her most natural, unbridled state then you should hang out with her when she has her period.
Everything from a filter to a tampon is thrown out the window. Yes, you heard us correctly, even tampons get tossed to the wayside. Even when she still has her period.
If this sounds confusing that’s because it is. For some strange, bizarre reasons (see below), we will reject using a tampon even when we fully still have our periods. (Coincidentally, we’ve just uncovered one-third of the argument why men will never understand women, but that’s another discussion for another day.)
Your first grade teacher was right: We can truly believe in anything we set our minds to -- not using a tampon and pretending like our period doesn’t exist being number one.
Feeling inspired? Feeling like you can just run free?
Not so fast. We didn’t win our freedom without some bloodshed.
Here are the gross rationalizations every girl employs when she doesn’t use a tampon.
1. “It’s almost over and I don’t want to provoke it”
We have this excuse to thank for every stained pair of nice underwear.
Somehow, we’ve accepted this weird logic that if it’s ending, any irritation in there will make it come back and last longer -- like our periods are a "7-years-of-bad-luck" superstition.
Regardless of how many times this reasoning fails us, every month we still employ it.
2. “I’ll be lying down”
There’s no way gravity is stronger than my willpower to contain this beast. The funny thing about being horizontal, though, is that things still spill out.
It’s like laying a cup of water on your bed. When you tip it over, liquid flows right onto the sheets. How’s that for graphic imagery?
3. “I’ll just stuff some toilet paper up there”
Can someone please tell me how this is better than using a tampon, waddling around like a child who just crapped its pants?
4. “Day two is always light... so is Day three... and Day four…”
What kind of outlook is this, ladies? Your predictions are worse than the iPhone weather app. Every day is not sunshine and rainbows and blue skies ahead -- same goes for your period.
If G-d had this attitude when he was creating the world (evolutionists, chill out, it’s a joke setup) we’d still be waiting for him to insert the moon.
5. “Nothing can happen while I work out”
You realize you were very, very wrong after that first squat (and/or abdominal crunch) as you practically give birth to a blood clot. We really hope you didn’t like those leggings.
6. “Why would I buy a whole box if I only need one?”
Tampons are expensive. You can’t just go and waste a perfectly good one on a day when there’s nothing to absorb.
There’s nothing more demoralizing than realizing you could have saved the little guy from being discarded prematurely. You’re literally flushing your money down the drain.
7. “I don’t even remember if I have one currently in there right now…”
You have a bigger problem than free-balling it.
8. “This underwear is old anyway”
It’s like you’re not even trying to stop yourself from period-ing your panties.
You’ve just accepted the fact that this is life -- you don’t even care if you leave old friends dead and bloodied along the way. Remind us to never open your top drawer.
9. “I just got it.”
So that means it’s not like, here yet, right? It’s like opening the door for a booty call -- you have arrived but you haven’t come.
They’ll still both f*ck you over, though.
10. “It’s bad for the environment”
So is lying to yourself. Mother nature got you in this mess, it’s OK if you give it right back to her.
11. “I forgot to put it back in after sexytime”
You’re not the only thing that’s coming. Period.
12. “My vagina is tired. My uterus is tired. I’m tired”
This is what sweatpants were invented for. Remember, it’s a marathon not a sprint.
If you can stick to your diet, stick up for your friends and stick it to the man, then sticking it in there shouldn’t be any different.
13. “Tomorrow is laundry day anyway”
Who cares that your sheets look like the Battle of Gettysburg? No need to call the forensic team, you’re going to wash them soon.
14. “I already pulled my pants back up… It’s too late”
That’s exactly what Bill Cosby said 20 years ago.
...Maybe it’s time to rethink that one.
15. “I’m going to be in the water”
Here are some words of wisdom that we can’t attribute to anyone: “Even in a still lake, the tide still flows.” Think about that next time you’re at the pool.
16. “If I don’t think about it, it’s like it’s not there”
If this logic worked then we wouldn’t be working on this post right now.