I was always envious of the women who went home with guys from bars. To me, they represented so many things that I am not.
They're free and strong, and they know what they want. They're beautiful, sexy and all things I often struggle to be.
I used to envy that woman, the one who slept with a guy because she just wanted to. She doesn't feel like she has to, and she doesn't feel like she owes him. She just knows that sex and the possibility of someone by your side for the night is enough for the moment.
That woman, I thought, is the woman I'm supposed to be. I used to desire to be that woman, the one who separates all her feelings and somehow just ends up satisfying her sexual needs, without the "what if" lingering behind.
I used to think that, as a 20-something living in today's society, that's the kind of woman I should be. I should be confident, open and down to sleep around. That's what this hook-up culture preaches to me.
I wanted to be that woman, so open with my mind and body that a guy could simply be physical without various emotions complicating my feelings. But, I've never managed to be that.
Her confidence? I can emanate it.
Her sex appeal? I can have that, too.
But at the end of the night, I'm not going home with that guy because sex is more to me than that.
I don't wish to be that woman anymore. I tried it out, and it's just not for me.
I'm not that woman, and I don't think I'll ever be. That's finally okay with me.
I want a guy to work harder for my body than buying me drinks at the bar. I want him to earn the parts of myself that I usually keep to myself.
I'm not a prude, but I never want to be easy. I want him to appreciate my curves because of the woman underneath them, the one who made him work for it.
I want to be able to talk to him, not just roll into bed with his unfamiliar arms and legs tangled with mine. I want a connection that's more than our bodies wanting and needing intimacy.
I want him to hang around in the morning and go to the diner for breakfast. I want him to text me when he's bored, happy or just in the mood to chat. I want to be the woman who fills his life, not just the void when he's alone in bed at night.
In a time when Tinder matches make for confidence boosts and dates are thoroughly judged on Instagram, maybe it's a lot to want. Maybe it's a lot to want when there's a woman at the bar who will give you more than just conversation in a matter of moments.
In our sex-crazed society, I'm asking for a lot. But, it beats the feeling of giving myself to a guy who fails to satisfy my mind.
So, earn me. Earn my mind, and earn my trust. Then, I'll give you my body.
I used to be ashamed of being this type of woman because society is filled with the women I was trying so hard to be. But neither of our attitudes should cause us to feel ashamed.
As for me? I'd rather be the woman who didn't. It's okay to be the woman who goes home alone for now.