Farewell, Fair-Weather Friend: How To Know When A Friend Is Anything But

"Boys come and go, but friends are forever."

I call bullsh*t.

We go through friends our entire lives. And as our environments, ages and personalities change, so do the people we surround ourselves with.

The great thing about meeting and making new friends is sorting through them like candies.

Your have your favorite chocolates that remind you of your childhood, like Gobstoppers and the coconut-flavored candies people are missing out on.

You also love Sour Patch Kids. They're a rush of flavor and exhilaration, and then they're sweet (after burning the living sh*t out of your taste buds).

With your numb tongue, you go in on the rest of the bag anyway.

People mistakenly deemed your friends are no different, and you should wise up to their ways and remove them from your life.

The longer you allow toxic people to feed on you, the deeper the addiction to them will be. You'll always be hopeful for the one day that they'll change.

Like any bad relationship, we cannot detect, or worse, we refuse to see what is right in front of our face.

It's always our favorite friend who we cannot let go of. We love the worst things for us the most.

Now buck up and open your eyes. Hindsight may be 20/20 at this point, but at least you've shed some naivety.

When a new friend steals your Swiss Roll and lies to your face about it, you should probably go with your gut feeling (and hunger) that she is no good to keep around.

Here are a few examples of when a friend is not a friend:

1. Your mom doesn't like her.

Moms just have a weird sixth sense about life. They can spot fake, crappy or negative friends before you do.

I know, it's annoying. But, if she has a funny feeling about this one, just listen to her. Mommy knows best.

2. She knows how to manipulate you.

Acting on your weaknesses or your better judgment, she plays mind games. Demands look like favors, and bad ideas look like good ideas.

She convinces you to go home with that sexually aggressive guy from the football party. She thinks for you, and forms the illusion that her way is the only way.

Her plans are cooler than yours, and her friends are more civilized (and have Michael Kors held hostage in their closets).

3. She laughs at your expense.

Yeah, it's funny when you trip up the steps or when you look like a total bum on campus after a night of drinking, but when she laughs in your face about the time some frat star threw beer on you and your make out partner at a frisbee party, it's not cool.

Nothing is off limits with her, not even your feelings. She may lack compassion and/or a soul.

4. She dumbs you down.

You are the company you keep. If she's acting like a child, so will you.

If she farts on you and thinks it's the funniest thing since the video of the cat playing the keyboard, she's too young for you.

If she came into college with a poster of Justin Bieber, she's too young for you.

5. She steals from you.

Whether it's the fries off your plate or your intuition, her sneakiness alludes to a hidden agenda.

Befriending your ex is one thing, but where are her manners? She needs to get her hands off your fries.

You're in a dining hall, for God's sake. Tell her to get her own.

6. She's a bad influence.

She’s changing you. You're doing things you never have or would do, simply by the kiss of her persuasion.

You tend to go along with BFF pressure, but usually that only goes as far as dancing with each other at parties for attention. Now, you’re obeying orders not to invite Karen hiking.

Sorry Karen, you can't hike with us, but I telepathically reassure you it wasn't my idea.

7. She cuts you down.

Both behind your back and not, she throws low blows. She often gets a kick out of the fact if both of you were being chased by a murderer with hedge clippers, you'd be the first to die.

Perhaps, she casually reminds you that maybe if you weren't so crazy freshmen year, you'd still be cool to chill with everyone.

Somehow, she even makes you feel bad about your "hair down there" preferences.

8. She doesn't have your back.

When she needs you, you melt like a parent whose kid is going through preteen woes. When you need her, she turns into a corn flake.

You have her back, but unless you're driving to dinner because she's the only person on campus who can't afford gas money, she'll just blow you off.

And when sh*t gets serious, she chooses the option that will keep her fingerprints and name out of it. She has her good (bad) girl next door reputation to uphold, of course.

9. She takes advantage of you.

Like good friends do, you would do almost anything for her.

Unfortunately, she may take that as the green light to back out of breakfast plans because she's too hungover to drive, but can you make her a plain bagel with cream cheese before you leave?

The more you comply, the more she has the upper hand.

She's the fun-loving, low-maintenance girl. You ignore her juvenile behavior and accept it as being a handful, like a puppy who pees on the floor.

You're tied at the hip. You're addicted to her company, but the feeling isn't always mutual.

When a relationship turns submissive and borderline verbally abusive, you need to evacuate the premises. You know you know better.

Another lesson learned in time is friends come and go.

Pour some of your pregame Cabernet on the floor in a toast to those spoiled friendships left in the past. (But maybe don't because why waste some good cheap wine?)