When it comes to buying clothes, there may be no task more daunting than bra shopping. There are just so many factors to consider because there is no one-size-fits-all option.
Boobs come in all shapes and sizes, forms and consistencies. Finding the perfect bra is somewhat of a quest; a spiritual journey that will leave your girls either comfortably supported and lifted or sagging and in constant need of adjustment.
Nobody wants a nip-slip while refilling her water bottle at the communal water dispenser at the office. No one wants to feel like they’re suffocating beneath the over taught underwire of a medieval torture device, and therefore, bra shopping is some serious sh*t.
These are the 11 emotional stages of bra shopping:
1. After careful consideration, you finally come to terms with parting with $50.
Goodbye, sweet paycheck. You’ve had to adjust your failing bra straps one too many times. It's time to invest in a new bra.
2. You take a deep breath and go to Victoria’s Secret.
Bra shopping is where you invest, never skimp. Buy a cheap bra and your boobs will be in your shoes by week two.
3. You wander around aimlessly.
Why are there so many options?
4. You can’t remember your bra size.
It’s either been quite some time or you lost (or gained!) some weight. Your boobs fluctuate like the seasons; sometimes growing, sometimes shrinking.
5. The saleswomen eye you like hungry cheetahs.
Getting felt up by a middle-aged woman named Gloria who looks like she’s a member of your mother’s Sunday book club? I don’t want that!
6. Finally, you realize there is no escape.
Oh, the awkwardness of having a measuring tape strung around your chest as fellow onlookers pretend not to feel your pain.
7. The never-ending questions.
What kind of bra do I want? Do I want a demi or full coverage? Would I like a push up? BYE, FELICIA, JUST BRING ME SOMETHING TO HOLD UP MY BOOBS!
8. So. Many. Different. Braziers.
I-I-I can’t do this!
9. Eventually you settle on something with support, but isn’t too grandma.
Sure, demi in a highlighter yellow? Why not?
10. You thank you Fairy Bra-Mother, pay and run the hell out of there.
You need to get home and take a shower because not only do you reek like Angel perfume, you had to endure the walk home with the conspicuous pink bag.
11. Have a glass (read: bottle) of wine.
You deserve it, girl.