19 Intimate Things Your Doorman Knows About You That No One Else Does

by Ashley Fern

Having a doorman may not be something everyone has experienced at this point in life, but let me tell you, it is definitely an experience.

Sure, you may think your relationship with your doorman is a simple one — a hello and a goodbye here, some tips around Christmas there... but nooo, this camaraderie goes much deeper than that.

Your doorman has seen you stumble in at 4 am far too many times with either a man in your arms or a pizza — and, if you're lucky, both.

He keeps your secrets from your family members when they come to visit and he pretends he doesn't notice when you've ordered Seamless three times in one day without ever leaving your apartment.

I wonder who would think I'm less domesticated- my boyfriend or my doorman? — Ashley Fern (@disco_infern0) March 10, 2015

He is your confidant in this suspicious world. While you may need to constantly worry about maintaining relationships with your friends, you really never have to do so with your doorman.

You guys have a great bond, despite the fact that he can't wait for your lease to end...

So why does your doorman really know you better than almost anyone else?

1. He knows your drinking limits better than you do

You may not know what happens when you ingest upwards of 10 tequila shots on any given night, but your doorman sure does. How?

He's the one who's responsible for getting you from the taxi into your building and, more often than not, into the elevator.

The best part of this scenario is that he will never, ever bring it up to your face. He's such a good friend.

2. He knows exactly which days are your binge days

He may see you come home in work-out gear Monday through Friday, but he's well aware what you are up to on your hungover Saturdays and Sundays.

He laughs as he buzzes up the Domino's delivery guy for the second time this weekend.

3. He knows exactly how many nights you go out... or don't

Your doorman is probably the only person (aside from you) who's fully aware of how much you go out or don't.

I guess that's a good thing because people wouldn't look at you the same way if they really knew.

Is there ever a happy medium? Probably, but you just haven't found it yet.

4. He knows all about your gym schedule

Your biggest motivator isn't #Fitspo on Instagram, rather it's coming right from your doorman.

He's there when you head out and there to cheer you on when you get home. Hey! At least someone recognizes your efforts.

5. He knows exactly what your relationship status is at any given moment

He's fully aware if you bring home randoms after randoms or if your boyfriend is consistently crashing. He knows all about your love life, which is a lot more than your friends could even say.

6. He knows how many fights you have been in outside of the apartment, but has no clue what they're about

He may not know what the F is going on, but he's definitely witnessed you at an all-time low. Whether an argument was your fault or not, he's seen and heard it all.

I guess this is a pretty good thing to have in your corner since he probably won't want to f*ck with you.

7. He knows how many times you've locked yourself out

If your doorman is on your good side, you know he will let you in without charge. Unfortunately, not all buildings offer this luxury and will laugh and judge you while your drunk, irresponsible ass stumbles in sans keys.

8. He knows all about your online shopping addiction

You're not sure if your doorman is laughing at you or with you when he lets you know you have yet another package waiting for you.

It's not your fault online shopping is so easy! Too bad he doesn't realize you return half of your deliveries...

9. ...And your vacation schedule

Despite the fact you can barely afford your rent or the doorman's holiday gifts, you still find time to vacation. Sure, this may be a family trip you didn't spend any money on, but that's not what your doorman is thinking.

10. He knows the real number of friends you have

Your doorman is literally the person who allows your friends to come and visit you, which is how he knows if you have any or not.

11. He knows how cheap you are

The awkward moment when you have four rotating doormen and only give them wine for a holiday gift... It's not your fault you can barely afford your rent!

12. He knows all about your inability to cook for yourself

Between your fire alarm constantly going off and your food deliveries — it's a miracle you can take care of yourself at all.

13. He knows how much harder you try at night than during the day

The difference between your appearance in the morning and at night is drastic enough to force your doorman to do a double take.

14. Your laundry habits (or lack thereof) aren't fooling anyone

You may not be able to afford a solid Christmas gift, but you somehow muster the $10/week it costs to get your laundry done.

15. He can always predict your rough mornings

I'm not sure what gave it away, your blacked-out behavior from the night before or the fact that you've already had three food deliveries before 1 pm.

16. He knows all about your overnight guests

He's the one to give them the final goodbye, isn't he?

17. You are the Sunday morning topic of conversation between all the doormen

As much as you may irritate the sh*t out of them, you really keep the convo flowing at the end of the weekend.

18. He knows the ins and outs of your grotesque maintenance

You may never have the balls to clean the hair out of your drain, but the maintenance guy sure does and he does not hold back how much he detests you for it.

19. He isn't sure if he's impressed or concerned by how much you drink

And honestly — neither are you.

For more of her thoughts, humor and ridiculous opinions follow Ashley Fern on Instagram and Twitter.