Penis Or Pizza? A Satirical Take On The Decision Every Girl Struggles With On A Night Out

by Ashley Fern

The clock is rounding 2AM and you have a pretty good buzz going on. You met a great guy at the bar that you are debating bringing back to your apartment for some post-game late night activities. What activities? Are you going to hang out with him before getting down to it? Are you going to smoke a bowl, chill and order late night? Honestly, who even knows what the right move is -- which brings us down to the inevitable late night question: penis or pizza?

Do you really want to hook up with this guy or do you want to seek the comfort of Netflix and a cheese pie? It’s about weighing the pros and cons of the situation. Is he hot enough? Is Domino's open or just the bougie place on the corner? Can I have both? Will he judge me for eating pizza? Do I care? Jesus, this is difficult. Each scenario will result in a different outcome.

How do women deal with this difficult decision? Let’s examine some potential situations below and their outcomes.

Scenario 1: You skipped dinner

Rookie mistake, my friend. You think you’re beating the system by skipping out on dinner to fit into your skinny jeans. While you may look good for the first hour of the night, by the time hour three comes around, your eyes will be rolled into the back of your head. Sh*t -- you’re way drunker than you ever wanted to be. Now is the precise moment you regret skipping out on dinner.

You are well aware that you aren’t going to make it much longer. Right now it’s in your best interest to slip away while you still can walk. Before you dive face first into your bed, you know you’re hitting up the late night pizza shop on the corner. The only thing you will be cuddling throughout the night is the empty box.

Verdict: Pizza.

Scenario 2: Your friends skipped on the bar

Where the f*ck are all of your friends? You took the brave journey to the restroom alone and came out only to find out all of your friends have left you at the bar. You’re not ready to call it a night just yet, as you have the perfect buzz going.

This is where being a drunk female works in your favor. Hop on over to the bar, look semi confused and chances are some guy will venture over to you and buy you a shot or three. Well now this guy is your new BFF and is looking like a solid 10. You don’t want to leave the bar alone, so what other option is there?

Verdict: Penis

Scenario 3: Your phonebook skipped on your calls

Well you’re sufficiently blacked out as you scroll through your entire phonebook, hitting up every guy you’ve ever made out with. You went out tonight on a mission -- too bad everyone knows that when you go looking for it, you will never find it. After three strikes, you probably should just give up; at least no one knows you look this desperate.

It’s much better to wake up next to an empty box of pizza than a call log of 15+ unanswered phone calls. Time to destroy the evidence -- erase the call log and throw that pizza box down the trash shoot. What pizza box? Never happened. Eleven calls to your ex? What the hell are you talking about -- I don’t know anyone by that name.

Verdict: Pizza

Scenario 4: You’ve skipped out on your morals

It's 1 in the morning, you’re still at the bar having a great time as a guy approaches you and offers to buy you a drink. You’re slurring your words and batting your eyelashes as an awful FloRida song plays in the background. You are already playing the night out in your head -- you get this sucker to buy you at least 3 more drinks and depending on how the conversation goes, you’re going home together.

Sure you’ve never met his guy before, but he doesn’t really seem like the serial killer type and he’s footing the bill. Tonight you’re happy to oblige, honestly if it doesn’t work out, just add it to the rolodex of ridiculous stories you have.

Verdict: Penis