I Wore Pizza Perfume To See If The Way To A Man’s Heart Is Really Through His Stomach

Jesse Morrow

They say that men love food more than anything else.

Since my previous attempts at getting guys to see me as more than "friend" or a "f*ck buddy" have failed (Smoke signals don't work, who knew?)I've resorted to slightly crazier ideas.

Namely, food. I can't cook, but I didn't have to. Demeter Fragrance Library -- AKA that perfume brand that carries scents like Play-Doh and Thunderstorm -- also stocks fragrances like Pizza. In the name of research, I decided to wear food fragrances to a bar.

The closest I'll ever get to National Geographic-level f*ckery is walking into a dive bar that's primarily famous for serving a shot called "ass juice." If I doused myself in Eau De Mozzarella, the dudes should've come flocking, right?

Not quite.

When the fragrances arrived, the office girl squad wasn't into it.

After the Demeter box arrived at the office, I spritzed each perfume in the air toward my female co-workers. I wanted to gauge the reaction from people who wouldn't be influenced by the desire to f*ck me.

First up, Pizza. Pizza earned a unanimous "get that away from me!" reaction. It didn't particularly smell like pizza. The scent was closer to the inside of a pizza oven: musty, with just a hint of giving up.

The sweet scents -- Gin & Tonic, Waffles and Chocolate Chip Cookies -- were the clear winners. The cookies, in particular, reminded me of the scents I gravitated toward when I was younger. It was so sugary sweet that every time I inhaled I got a breath closer to diabetes.

Waffles, a co-worker claimed, reminded her of Sunday brunch. She admitted that fact alone was enough to get her into bed. Sucks, because she wasn't my target audience.

Guys were decidedly grossed out.

That night, I went out with a couple of friends. I let them in on my experiment and had a guy friend smell each scent I tried on.

"This is so f*cking offensive," he exclaimed after I doused myself in Pizza.

He wasn't the only one. When I stood at the bar to order a drink, a couple of guys looked at me like I'd just told them Santa wasn't real. I wasn't ballsy enough to start a conversation. For a dive bar frequented by NYU grads and Lower East Side natives, that's quite the statement.

There was virtually no reaction to Gin & Tonic. Then again, I was at the bar and there's a strong possibility my fragrance blended in with the natural fragrance of a sticky bar scene.

Waffles got one positive reaction from a random bar-goer who insisted I smelled like maple syrup. I'm not sure if it was a compliment or not, but he was staring at my boobs as he said it.

So far, one point for breakfast food.

My date was horrified.

A week later, I went on a date. This guy already (supposedly?) kind of liked me -- it was the third date. I assumed he'd want to come home with me regardless of how much my personal fragrance reminded him of a day-old dollar slice. I didn't clue him in.

I warned him I was trying several new, fancy perfumes for a story and went with the lighter, less offensive scents first. Trying every scent over the course of the same evening was ballsy, but the fragrances didn't last more than 20 or so minutes on me.

He liked Gin & Tonic, saying it was sweet and he "definitely smelled it before."

Waffles and Chocolate Chip Cookies got a mixed reaction. They were way too sweet, he insisted. Not a fan.

Popcorn smelled "familiar" but he couldn't place it. I didn't want to clue him in.

Pizza was the clear loser. He gagged, then told me I "smell like sh*t," which was the best compliment I've gotten so this year.

Needless to say, food fragrances don't have quite the effect I was looking for. If I wanted men to be totally disgusted by me, I could just avoid the shower for a few days and wear denim overalls with a turtleneck underneath.

Bottom line: Next time I want to wow a man with food, I'll try taking him to a fancy-ass dinner or cooking something. We won't order pizza.