Having an exceptionally small bladder while drunk is a cruel and unusual punishment. It's inflicted on a select few of us by -- I imagine -- an unjust God.
Okay, so I'm being a tad bit dramatic. But having to pee when drunk is still a total buzzkill and a surefire way to ruin a night out on the town.
It's a terrible burden bound to bring all sorts of hate and fury in your life -- from yourself, from your friends and from potential love interests.
So, take it from me, drunk pee-er extraordinaire: The microscopic-bladder-when-drunk condition is a rare one that comes with its unique set of struggles.
1. People constantly think you have a drug addiction and/or eating disorder.
By your 28th trip to the facilities, every dumb bitch at the party is side-eyeing you and whispering about one of two ailments you're probably suffering from: a full-blown cocaine addiction or a life-threatening eating disorder.
2. You're constantly being swooped on.
It's magic: You've somehow transported this guy from a dive bar to the set of your favorite romantic comedy.
Until reality sets in, that is, and you have to leave the man of your dreams to go relieve yourself for the twentieth time this evening.
When you get back, some other girl (probably one with a normal-sized bladder) has swooped on the hypothetical future father of your hypothetical future children.
3. You spend more time in the line for the bathroom than at the party.
No, you don't know what music is playing outside, and no, you will not be in on any of the inside jokes tomorrow morning.
Your entire night was spent waiting for drunk chicks to stop yacking so you could have your turn on the ONLY toilet at this establishment. (Seriously, WTF is with places with only one toilet?!?).
4. Your quads hurt more than your head.
Every night out is an exercise routine. All that squatting over grimy bar toilets and/or in the bushes has left your quads toned to perfection and your ass so tight you could bounce a coin off of it. I guess there's a silver lining here after all.
5. You always have slightly wet panties.
Just so we're clear: these wet panties are in no way sexy.
6. You find yourself telling an endless stream of lies (no pun intended).
Whether it be killing the b*tch in front of you or saying you're going into labor, you will do whatever it takes to get to the front of that bathroom line ASAP.
You're a nice person, so usually you opt for the white lie. “I'm so sorry, I just got my period” and “I'm so sorry, I'm literally about to yack right now” are timeless classics.
7. You get stuck talking to drunk idiots.
While you have no idea how your actual friends at the actual club are doing, you're 100% educated on the trials and tribulations of Becky (or was it "Vicky"...? She was slurring a lot).
She's the crying girl in line for the bathroom who can't figure out for the life of her why her friends ditched her (though you have a few ideas).
8. None of your friends are on the same pee schedule as you.
Becky might have been a little more tolerable if you had a friend there to laugh her off with you.
Unfortunately, no other able-bodied human being has to use the bathroom as frequently.
9. In fact, you've filled your "bladder quota" with most of your friends.
There was a time when your friends were sympathetic to your problem. Every once in a while, one of them would accompany you to the bathroom simply to provide moral support. This offer no longer stands.
Your friends have made it clear that they find it annoying how often you need to use the bathroom -- and that you're on your own for the next trip ... and the next, which is probably in five minutes.
10. Nobody wants to go out with you anymore.
No sane person wants to chill alone at a club while her wing woman spends 97% of the night in the bathroom line.
Going out with you is basically like going out alone.
11. Concerts and festivals are out of the question.
How the f*ck are you supposed to maneuver your way over to the bathroom?
More importantly, where ARE the bathrooms? MOST importantly, how the f*ck are you supposed to find your friends once you're out of there?
12. Even when you're not actually in the bathroom, you dread needing to go back.
The few moments in which you are not standing behind Becky and waiting for your bladder to explode are spent under immense stress as you worry about your next inevitable trip to hell, a.k.a the bathroom.
13. You're either barely buzzed or blacked out.
You have to make a definitive choose between hard and soft alcohol as soon as the night begins.
Either you black out from shots -- and eliminate your bathroom problem with less liquid entering your body -- or you stick with beer and have no time to get drunk between dashes to the restroom.
14. Public indecency is a very real risk.
Sometimes that drunk chick yacking in the stall just won't quit, and it's time to take matters into your own hands.
So you go against your rules -- and the laws of our nation, though maybe not Manhattan -- and pop a squat outside.
15. First dates rarely lead to second dates.
A first date usually means drinks. And in your world, drinks mean a shriveled bladder. For obvious reasons, the second date is not likely.
16. It literally cramps your style.
Because stripping in a disease-infested bathroom stall is not ideal for anyone -- even remotely sanitary human beings -- rompers, leotards, jumpsuits and any other clothing that requires extensive unbuttoning/unzipping are simply out of the question.
17. You act kind of bitchy because laughing isn't an option.
Laughter combined with an easily pressured bladder is not a good combination.
Naturally, it's out of the question. Drunk giggles are a surefire path to leakage.
18. One-night stands simply cannot happen.
On the off-chance that you manage to hold the guy's attention for long enough to make it back to his place, you still run a very real risk of peeing his bed.
As if the morning after weren't already awkward, now you have to deal with this sh*t? On top of that, odds are he'll be asleep by the time you make it back from the inevitable bathroom trip you typically take upon getting home.
To recap your hypothetical night: You didn't get any, and you're out $80 on a new sheet set for this virtual stranger.
19. Guys assume you're either desperately trying to avoid them or you're totally insane.
By the second time you “have to go to the bathroom,” you've officially made this guy feel like a clingy creep.
He obviously assumes you're lying in an effort to get rid of it. In your attempt to stop this from happening, you go overboard when you try to convince him that this is really just about your bladder.
“I have to go to the bathroom ... No, seriously, I really have to go. Don't leave. I'll be right back. Please don't leave. PLEASE.” At this point you've crossed over from liar to creepy psychopath. Either way, your game has been sufficiently salted.
20. You have FOMO... even though you're already out.
Fear of missing out is through the roof as you stand alone by the bathroom alone ... or with Becky, which might be worse.
You check your friends' Snap Stories, feeling isolated and alone as you think about all the inside jokes you won't understand during tomorrow's brunch.