Giving birth to a child is, for many women, the be-all and end-all. It's their purpose in life, the great joy that brings meaning to them at 5 pm on Sunday nights, when everything seems impossible and scary.
Well, you know what's scary to me? As a person who hasn't yet pushed babies out of my body (I know, I have a real way with words), it's the idea of watching myself change after internally hosting a human is terrifying.
Even more so is the period after birth, in which — as far as I can tell — new mothers just nurse their stitches and drip breast milk gently onto little Caden Aiden Smith's head.
Breast milk? More like “everybody's milk,” if the internet has anything to say about it.
While researching the procedure, I stumbled across a wealth of granola mom blogs that advise using breast milk for pretty much every ailment known to man.
If the human body produces it, it can't be that harmful… at least, that's the claim. These barefoot mamas use their human juice for pink eye, deodorant and the like.
It's important to note that there are multiple schools of thought about breast milk — all opinions formed with the greatest compassion. Many people believe breast milk should exclusively be used to feed children, whether it's their own children or those of women who can't lactate.
That noted, these are the beauty tips of women who do produce enough breast milk to use it for extracurricular activities:
Oh, were you treating your pimples with plain old Neutrogena? That's not enough for many mothers suffering for acne.
The treatment works because the milk has antibacterial properties, making it a solid choice for clearing up your trouble zones. Simply smear it on and wait, or sleep with it on your face (assuming you don't mind gooey pillowcases in the morning).
You heard it hear first, folks. If you have an abundance of milk, put it to use as a face wash.
The milk reportedly has anti-aging properties, as well as the aforementioned ability to clear up blemishes.
Apply the milk directly to your face, and rub gently in the same manner you would with an oil cleanser. Then rinse with water and pat dry with a towel.
If you're truly dealing with angry skin, cut the milk with a tablespoon of honey. It has antibacterial properties as well, and it's a cult favorite of the internet beauty community.
What, you'd rub breast milk all over your face but not your body? Breast milk soap is actually popular enough to be sold by relatively major businesses, and by that, I mean Etsy businesses.
One particular shop that I found, SpeckledMilk, accepts submissions of your personal breast milk — the kind that's slightly past its use-by date — before mixing it with gentle ingredients like coconut oil and olive oil.
The owner recommends saving a bar of breast milk soap for your own children to use someday.
Deep Conditioner For Hair
Oh yes, we went there. Long-haired ladies have been known to pour raw eggs, peanut butter and the like on their locks, so there's no reason to get queasy now.
A blogger named Curly Nikki recommends embracing the fats and protein found in breast milk, using it as a treatment (the longer it sits, the better the results) for shine and strength. She even notes dramatically cutting down on frizz.
The Infamous Facial
Much to my chagrin, the breast milk facial has begun to pick up viral attention once again.
The treatment, which substitutes breast milk for cow's milk in a beauty treatment to clear up stressed skin, first saw media attention in 2015. It's the brainchild of Mud Facial Bar, a spa with location in both Boulder and Chicago.
It's picked up speed again thanks to none other than weatherman Al Roker, who Instagrammed a poster advertising the service while visiting Colorado. Here's betting Roker didn't actually get the facial.
Would you ever use your breast milk to beautify your skin, assuming you had extra? Let me know in the comments.