Boyfriends. They are so goddamn cute and lovable, but they can be pretty clueless about women.
Which can be a real problem around this time of year. Because just like Christmas, relationships are all about love and joy and sh*t, but deep down inside we know they're mostly about the swag.
In years past, I’ve had boyfriends who have bought me ugly-ass earrings from the dollar store, a used book (not even a first edition) and literally a pair of socks. Like, WTF? I don’t want socks. I want some goddamn romance. I’d like some candles and a bubble bath while you click my mouse to Marvin Gaye.
It’s like all the men in the world went to “WhatNoTtoBuyMyGirlfriend.com” and shopped from the same list, ya feel me?
It’s not their fault. They just have no f*cking idea what they're doing. So as a service to all those dudes out there who have no f*cking idea what to buy us, here are 50 gifts all us ladies really want from our boyfriends this Christmas..
1. A mold of his dick for bicoastal f*cking.
2. A free pass to complain about work.
4. For him to clean his hair out of the drain after he shaves.
5. A massage from a hot man named Guile that lasts 15 hours.
6. Jewelry I actually like.
7. For him to notice when I’ve gotten my hair done without having to drop hints.
8. A pearl necklace (both real and the other kind).
9. For him to pay for my gym membership because this body is expensive AF to maintain, amiright?!
10. A closet full of Louboutins.
11.For him to give me an orgasm and then go do the dishes from dinner.
12. For him to take on childbirth.
13. A blank check.
14. A full day of cunnilingus.
16. For him to create and start taking male birth control pills.
17. For him to stop eating carbs with me.
18. A wine glass that refills itself.
19. For him to understand high-waisted pants.
20. For him to never again make fun of me for reading Perez Hilton.
21. Letting me starfish in the bed without having to cuddle.
22. For him to rub my neck and shoulders for two hours without complaint.
23.A bunch of chocolate that doesn’t have any calories.
24. For him to let me be a total pillow princess during sex.
25. For him to let me steal all his comfy sweatshirts and accept that he isn’t getting them back, ever.
26. For him to indulge me when I need to be validated and told I’m smart and pretty.
27. For him to put the toilet seat down so I don’t fall in in the middle of the night.
28. The opportunity to pick out all his clothes.
29. Letting me finally throw out that horrible frat T-shirt he insists on wearing.
30. A bubble bath with the musical stylings of Marvin Gaye in the background.
31. For him to finally understand that moisturizing is not optional.
32. For him to stop complaining about my clothes when he dresses like trash.
33. For him to let me watch the stupid reality show that I know is stupid but love anyway.
34. For him to cook dinner AND pay for the groceries.
35. For him to decide he likes my legs hairy so that I never have to shave again.
36. For him to understand my obsession with Instagram.
37. The chance to talk about OUR FUTURE without fear.
38. Five million dollars.
39. A chick-flick marathon (that you know he’d love if he just gave it a chance).
40. A sudden revelation that my comfortable AF granny panties are sexy.
41. Fifteen pairs of Uggs.
43. A threesome with Liam Hemsworth.
44. A foursome with Liam Hemsworth and Idris Elba.
45. A really good nude pic instead of his gym selfies.
46. Lots of dick pics, actually...ideally at 2 pm on Tuesdays, when I’m super horny at work.
47. For him to take my gay brother with impeccable taste gift-shopping with him.
48. A free burrito card to Chipotle.
49. A strip tease to Taylor Swift.
50. For him to say all the cute romantic sh*t I want him to say without me having to solicit it.