What a week.
In case you've been asleep underneath a tree or something, a la Rip Van Winkle, here's the news: Hollywood demigods Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are divorcing.
The news has sparked an outpouring of devotion and broken-heartedness from fans.
It's always surprising to feel such a deep, emotional response for people you don't personally know. There's the shock of the news, and then, there's a brief thought that you wish Brad and Angie had called to tell you before they phoned their publicist.
Are these the thoughts of an insane person who largely ingests US Weekly and coffee grounds to survive? Sure. But they're also very real.
If you're not sure how to cope with the divorce, I have a practical (and only semi-sarcastic) solution for you: Purchase a $47, cubic zirconium replica of Jolie's $500,000 engagement ring.
Jolie's now-defunct stunner was a mind-boggling 16.9 carats and reportedly took a full year for Pitt to design in collaboration with jeweler Robert Procop.
You know, the same sparkler Pitt presented to Jolie while surrounded by all six of their beautiful children. The ring that reportedly made her weep with its shiny, rock-hard beauty.
I'm not crying; you're crying. Stop it. Buck up.
Like the middle-aged women still worshipping at the altar of dated Princess Diana merchandise on eBay or ancient tribes eating their enemies to gain power, you might be able to suck up some of the remaining Brangelina magic, while wearing your own private totem.
Unlike the original, however, you won't have to take a year to plan it out. Seriously, just drop it in your cart and hit "buy" right now. ("Ships in 24 hours or less!") A whopping 9-carat, emerald-cut cubic zirconia will be all yours in no time at all.
Jolie and Pitt might be divorcing, but there's nothing stopping you from mourning in your own private way. If anyone with a really untrained eye asks about it, just tell them it's "self-care."