Always The Mistress, Never The Mrs.

by Amy Chan

Another weekend, another one-night stand. The cute guy you slept with from the bar still hasn’t called. The guys that do contact you only send you texts after midnight. You get asked out to meet for a drink, but never for dinner. Any of these situations sound familiar?  These scenarios are far too common among single females of Generation-Y, and unfortunately, a lot of times, we don’t know why we are stuck in the same pattern of attracting men who don’t want to commit.

I’m not saying that commitment and true love is the be-all, end-all for everyone. There are definitely ‘Sex And The City’ Samantha-like women out there who consider sex a sport and dating a sheer form of entertainment.

There are also those who don't necessarily equate sex to love or relationships. If that works for you, then hey, all the more power to you. But there are single women out there who secretly (or not so secretly) desire sex, dating and courtship to result in one thing …love. If you fall into the latter category, this article may be for you.

Do men want to sleep with you, but not want to date you? If your dating and sex strategy (or lack thereof) isn’t working for you, here are a few reasons that may explain why.

You’re easy.

You ooze sex, smell like sex and give up sex easily. Opportunistic men will jump at the chance to get a few drinks in you, hoping to have you in bed at the end of the night. Then you wake up alone.

When men see you as sexual prey first and foremost, they are blinded to all the other great qualities you have to offer. They look past your good heart, your inner goddess, your wit and intelligence and your charming personality. Nope, they see the one thing you’ve presented as a top priority and value: sex.

From interviewing various men, there seems to be a common sentiment: men who want to settle down do not want to take home the woman who sleeps around. A man wants to feel proud of his “catch” and able to introduce her to his friends and family. So what can you do? It’s simple. Stop putting out so easily. Stop evoking sex as your main attraction, and you may find that men will start to notice all the other qualities that make you special.

If you put out quickly and easily, men will automatically assume that you’re doing the same thing with a bunch of other dudes, and that isn’t something their egos find attractive. They automatically put you in the “don’t take seriously” pile, which explains why they don’t make an effort to date you.

You’re a gold digger.

You meet a rich guy and imagine how your life would be without having to work another 9 to 5 day of work again. You salivate over the expensive bags, trips and fine dinners in your future.

While that fantasy may play out in an episode of The Real Housewives of Orange County, it doesn’t work out in reality. When you date a man in hopes that he’s your lottery ticket out of the middle class, you’ll only end up disappointed.

First, dating a rich guy does not mean his wealth just transfers onto you. You might get a leased lifestyle. This means you have to return it once he finds someone younger and prettier. Second, these bachelors aren’t rookies to the game, and you are definitely not the one to break their sugar daddy cherry. He’s not naive to the fact that the reason you’re with him is because of his financial status, and he often has no intention of committing to you.

The fairytale usually ends like this: the dude finds another flavor of the month, and you end up ten pounds heavier from the wining and dining with a few new designer bags. He continues playing the field, and you end up alone.

You sleep with taken men.

Research shows that men rarely leave their wives for the person they’ve cheated with. And even if they do, the relationship that begins with deception usually ends in deception. In fact, according to Dr. Phil, “Relationships born out of affairs survive less than five percent of the time.” You can lie to yourself all you want, justify and live in denial believing you really are the special one, but the reality is, he’s not going to end up with you.

Plus, you’ll have a ton of karma, guilt (if you have a conscience that is) and shame to deal with at some point. It’s a lose-lose situation. There are over 18,000,000 single men in America alone; surely there is one in that sea of fish that could be a better soul mate?

You have no substance.

You gab about clothes, celebrities and other fluff stuff that nobody really cares about (except for your BFF and hairstylist). You think that working in retail, or as a waitress at Cactus Club, is a career path. There is nothing wrong with this scenario – if you’re in your teens or early twenties. But if you’re looking for a husband, you need to have substance to your lifestyle.

Your passion, ambition and personality are all what makes you an interesting individual. If you don’t show any substance, it really doesn’t matter how pretty you are because eventually, pretty becomes familiar and then gets old.

You’d think that the points raised in this article are common sense, but why do so many females constantly repeat their dating strategies, even when they clearly don’t work? Part of it has to do with issues of self-worth and self-esteem. Another part of it has to do with what the mainstream media teaches us.

The mass media inundates us with images and stories of female celebrities or public figures as sex objects. What they don’t tell us is that this positioning of women is really meant to serve the male. We are trained that being pretty and sexual is how you win a man. So what do we do? We use our looks and sex to play the game, hoping to win validation and love in return. This strategy doesn’t result in love; in fact, it’s quite the opposite. This strategy is chipping away at our self-esteem. Then we’re back at square one, repeating the cycle in a quest to find love and validation.

If you want to find true, committed love, the first step is changing your mentality. Respect your body and be respected. Love yourself, and you will be open to receiving love from others. Find ways to nurture your confidence and empowerment that don’t involve using your looks or sex. For example, perhaps a weekend in with good girlfriends is healthier for your soul than wandering a nightclub for men who are looking for one night of fun.

And when making decisions about who to invest your time in and who to share your body with, ask yourself if it’s bringing you any closer to finding love (both with another and with yourself), or if it’s steering you further away.

Amy is a relationship columnist. To read more of her articles, visit