Admit It: All Your Friends Have Different Versions Of The Same Problem

I spend a large part of my life engaged in a million variations of the same conversation. Why, you ask? Because everybody I know is going through the same problems.

I want to be annoyed by this. I mean, it IS annoying to hear my friends complain about the same things over and over again... when it all seems so clear to me:

He’s NOT that into you; just QUIT if you hate your job so much; I don’t care when you post your profile picture, but I’ll tell you right now that Rick won’t like it because Rick is a giant d*ckhead!!!

The thing is, I have no right to be annoyed. I have no right to be annoyed, because there’s a reason my friends are comfortable telling me about their problems. I owe them. They listen to me complain about the same stupid sh*t every day.

The least I can do is return the favor.

Here are just a few of the issues that all of your friends experience together.

1. Every hookup is different, but nobody can get him to commit.

They’ve been on, like, seven dates. Or can we even call them that? No. Okay, so let’s just call them hangouts.

They've been on seven “hangouts,” and he’s hot and great in bed and writes texts that make her laugh out loud. So, yeah, she could see herself in a relationship with him. The problem is that he’s just not a "relationship guy."

2. Every job is different, but your friends all feel stuck.

Well, she’s worked there for a year now, and she's not getting promoted anytime soon. But she still feels like it’s too soon to quit … even though she just f*cking hates it.

Is this what she even wanted to do with her life? Speaking of which, what is she doing with her life?

3. Every breakup is different, but all your friends keep returning to their exes.

So she slipped up ONCE ... OK, three times, if we’re being technical. But this time it’s over ... for real. Oh, wait, hold on — that’s him on the other line.

4. Every body is different, but they're all unhappy with theirs.

If she lost "just five pounds," she’d be fine. Do you think she should try a juice cleanse? If her tits were just one size smaller, she could fit into those tube tops she loves.

Would she look better blonde? But then there’s the whole issue of matching her eyebrow color…

5. Every bar is different, but everyone got too drunk last night.

She had four too many tequila shots last night at her office holiday party, and showing her face to the world is simply no longer an option.

Her mortifying rendition of “My Heart Will Go On” is playing on mental repeat, and let’s not even get her started on why she thinks she’s receiving flirty texts from the intern with the funky-smelling lunches.

Do you know what happened?? Did she call you?? Do YOU have any clues to help piece together the shambles that once made up her full and happy life?

6. Every fight is different, but your friends are always in the right.

Did you hear what Jess did to her? OK, no, they were never best friends or anything -- and she and Christian were never technically an item -- but the point is that they all travel in the same circle, and Jess was fully aware of how she felt about Christian. B*tch.

7. Every conversation is different, but your phone is still being flooded with the same screenshots.

OK, so they met last night and really hit it off and — OMG, he just texted her!! HE JUST TEXTED HER. THIS IS A CODE RED. WHAT DO WE SAY??

Obviously she'll send you a screenshot of the hilarious morning-after text, and it's now your duty to help her come up with an equally hilarious response.

8. Every profile picture is different, but they’re all trying to figure out why he didn’t like it.

And what to caption it. And when to post it. (Maybe he didn’t like it because you picked a sh*tty time and a boring caption?)

9. Every crush is different, but your friends still can’t decide if they should make a move.

She’s been in love with him since college, but she just can’t bring herself to make a move. What if it ruins their friendship?

But could ruining their friendship be any worse than the constant daily, painstaking misery she puts herself through by pretending she doesn’t have feelings?!

10. Every heartbreak is different, but they’re all convinced he was 'The One.'

She knows there are other fish in the sea. But he was the best, most perfect fish.

He was the only fish for her, and now she’s stuck sulking in his t-shirt because she refuses to swipe left on any and all potential rebounds.

11. Every problem is different, but they all just need to vent.

I guess it all comes down to empathy. That’s all we want. We’re all struggling through the same stupid problems, and it’s nice to know you’re not alone.