A Bitch's Guide For Things To Do When High (Other Than Get Fat)


I think one of the most difficult challenges a girl will ever face in her life is fighting the urge to munch after blazing. The problem is, you can’t just smoke and eat a few harmless carrots. Once a woman is high, all of her morals about healthy eating go out the window. She literally becomes Cookie Monster trapped in a human girl’s body. I think when Vanessa Carlton wrote “I’d walk a thousand miles if I could just be with you tonight,” she was high and talking about pizza.

And of course, once you’re sober and five pounds heavier, you deeply regret your actions. Truthfully, there’s plenty of other ways to enjoy your high than with an entire box of strawberry frosted pop-tarts. Here are some of them:

Go on a walk

Color an entire coloring book


Research conspiracy theories

Have sex

Have a deep conversation about “life”

Watch an HBO documentary

Watch YouTube videos of people falling 

Drive around listening to good music

Watch "Spring Breakers" and laugh at James Franco 

Write your high thoughts down

Get a manicure (P.S. pay the extra $$ for a massage)

Bonus: Go on the treadmill or elliptical

This is secretly the best way to exercise because you zone out and lose sense of time. Next thing you know, it’s been an hour!