For some ladies, one date was enough and they lived to tell the tale (perhaps they encountered some of the choice princes below).
Trust me, you will enjoy these stories one day. And for the rest of us, myself included, we just can’t keep our hands out of the cookie jar.
This 30+ set of grown men is totally alluring until that fateful third or fourth date... or come on, let’s cut the bull.
As sought-after girls with slightly inflated egos (I told you I was an absolute narc), we know these leftover, available tricenarian men are clearly a little off -- we just don’t care because these guys are seemingly more appealing than the boys in our own age bracket. They are the 3.0 version.
They’ve got established self-confidence, swagger down pat and girls so keenly figured out that it makes it hard for them to f*ck up and even harder for us to stop f*cking them.
But, alas, eventually all good things come to an end and we realize soon that yes, these 30+ men are still single for some reason.
Perhaps they worked too hard and didn’t play enough. Maybe they can’t get over an old flame. Or maybe they are just huge tool bags and super self-unaware. I have had the pleasure of dating all three types and then some.
It should be noted though, that there are some rare standouts amongst the rest: men who recently divorced, men who spent time abroad, men who are still abroad and/or traveling (swoon), and other case-by-case men with reasonable justifications for their single status.
These 30+ men are much harder to come by and usually accessorize their smoldering sexiness with very territorial friends who won’t take you seriously. That’s okay, you don’t either.
The usual experience, however, is much more uneventful (and yet, somehow, my friends and I have enough stories to fill more than just this post).
We 20-somethings temporarily suspend our standards because we have nothing to lose, have the time to mess around with people who may not be "The One" and need new topics for brunch.
The truth is -- and maybe you know some 20-turning-30-year-olds like this in the making -- when you’re a 30-something available guy, it’s not us. It’s you.
Barring any karma that will retroactively haunt me (something sad already tells me, though, that I’ll be part of this group), here is a round-up of the bottom-barrel guys who are left to marry when you’re over 30.
The Douchebag Who Thinks He’s Better Than Everyone Else
This guy used to be the ill-na-na in his 20s, but now that his generation is grown up and over him, no one cares that he recently went back to Law School and is still exorbitantly living off his parents. Like a truly cultivated pisser, everyone in the world recognizes his douchebag status except him.
But we younger girls are attracted to this overt self-assurance, turn a blind eye to his cringe-worthy lack of filter, and think it’ll be fun to test run. And this usually lasts for as long as you can stand his unfounded arrogance and his referring to you as “kid.”
When you end it early into the dating phase (his chastising the waiter was the signal), you’ll be happy you didn’t sleep with him.
The Boy Who Hasn’t Grown Up
Notice how we use the word “boy” instead of “man.” That’s because these guys are still routinely blowing obscene amounts of money on tables, attending weeklong EDM festivals, and throwing fraternity date-party reunions.
Which is also why this type of guy is incredibly fun to date. While this man-child's lack of refinement turns off women his own age, his antics are perfectly in-tune with a young 20-something’s interests.
The boy who hasn’t grown up is super easy to get along with and a good place to start for 30+ On The Prowl Beginners.
You’ll always have the upper hand (yes, he's still playing games, yet another reason he's still single) and you’ll enjoy bragging to your friends that you finally met “a nice older guy who doesn’t act like he’s 30.”
Yeah, it’s all sunshine and rainbows until he can’t put together a basic plan for Friday night and it starts feeling like every other relationship you had in college.
Don’t forget why you’re here in the first place -- to find older, mature men. Sophistication is paramount and he can’t even spell it.
The Guy Who’s In A Relationship With His Parents
Mom still grocery shops for him and Dad still bankrolls his lifestyle. If he doesn’t actually live at home, he’s pretty darn close. Can you blame him? Seems like a pretty good gig to us.
And we can generally overlook the fact that he doesn’t do his own laundry or change his own sheets, except when he takes his parents’ phone call in the middle of dinner.
This guy is single because he’s actually already in a committed relationship with his parents. Wondering why he likes going back to your place? Because it doesn’t remind him of his mother.
The Player Looking to Settle
Let us just say right off the bat: If you’re reading this highly intelligent, incredibly stimulating article, then you are a bright individual and will not succumb to the obvious sliminess that is the 30+ player looking to settle.
He’s not unlike the ridiculous losers that go on “Millionaire Matchmaker” and actually feel flattered when trashy Patti Stanger labels them as “bachelors.”
That’s right, guys. Keep telling yourselves the reason you’re still single is because you want to keep the mini-bar in your bedroom and not your wandering penis.
The Guy Who Was Too Focused On His Job
The most desirable of the lower-tiered bunch, the guy who was too focused on his job is pretty self-explanatory. He probably even had some solid relationships while he was slaving away at his job, but ultimately never sealed the deal because work got in the way.
Well, conveniently for you, he’s now a recent millionaire and also on the market. But old habits die hard and so do boners after you’ve been working 14-hour days.
Your Best Friend
Whoa, are you considering hooking up with your older family friend you’ve had since you were two? Go back to the drawing board, sister. This isn’t the 1600s and you don’t need to consider arranged marriages between families... yet.
The Club Promoter
The 30+ club promoter is tricky because he looks young enough to pull-off this classless job, but is about 10 years out of college too old to be promoting for a living. (Unless you’re running sh*t at EMM Group or something. Then, um, how about a table at SL Miami for this weekend?)
He might roll with The Player but doesn’t have any real friends that you know of (hence how you two met -- he hustled you and your hot friends to populate the space). Red flags, ladies. Red flags.
The only thing you can count on from the club promoter is his single status.
The Sad Soul Who Never Got Over His High School Girlfriend
He’s fun to date because he’s a gigantic wimp who will let you call the shots, but also won’t be upset when it’s time to end things.
He’ll treat you kindly and nicely -- much like a younger sister. You’ll know the breakup is coming when you catch him looking through his old Facebook photos and talking about how he feels really lost since high school.
The Guy Who Is All Too Ready
This is the 30+ who has been ready to marry since the first girl he met. If you don’t mind an endless series of “Hey stranger, what have you been up to lately?” text messages post-breakup, then sure, play house with this guy, but don’t say we didn’t warn you.
The Man Who Seems Too Good To Be True… And Then You Find Out Why He Is
You try telling yourself that he’s got a "je ne sais quoi" but that really turns out to be an unhealthy golfing obsession coupled with a borderline whiskey addiction.
He can never fully commit to plans, which doesn’t totally bother you. What does, though, is the reason behind it: He has a secret family he hasn’t even told you about. And that, my friends, is another story for another day.
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