Regardless if you actually care or not, it’s become the norm to make a big deal out of Valentine’s Day -- especially as a single girl. Even when you have no problem riding solo, everyone is just super ready to say things like, “Oh, (insert frown) that’s okay. You’ll have somebody next year!” Womp womp.
Random strangers are all too happy to suggest alternative Valentine’s Day plans for you, like sitting home and watching “Bridget Jones’s Diary.” Um, newsflash! That is not nearly self-loathing enough; that’s called any-regular-Friday-night-as-a-single-girl.
If we single ladies really hated ourselves as much as coupled people think we do, here would be the most self-destructive, sad and, yet, entirely feasible things to do on Valentine’s Day… because, sometimes, masochism is fun!
In order of least to most painful:
1. Join Your Parents For Dinner
What is worse than watching two lovebirds holding hands and having PDA all over the street? Watching your middle-aged parents. The most anticlimactic way to celebrate a day of special relationships is to spend it with people who are required to love you. What you have now finally realized is that the people who voluntarily choose to be in a relationship with you all already have boyfriends.
2. Stay In And Listen to “Dancing On My Own” By Robyn
Follow that one up with a few heartbreaking Taylor Swift crooners, and then throw in some Alanis Morissette for the maneaters out there. Bonus points if you’re looking at old photos of you with your ex, photos of you happy, or photos of you 10 pounds lighter than you are now. If you want to be truly pathetic (yes! yes!), actually eat an entire pint of Ben & Jerry’s and say things like, “I’m emotionally exhausted.”
3. Down A Bottle Of Scotch And Hit A Strip Club
If you’re resorting to paying for it, then it must truly be pathetic. Congratulations! Out of all of the options, though, this one at least sounds mildly pleasurable (we’re talking about the downing a bottle of booze part, not face-raping a trained professional… there’s a difference). If you recently broke up with someone, upload selfies of you and your paid partner pretending like he’s your new STD-free mate for the night (ah, the things we conjure up in the world of make believe).
4. Download Tinder, OKCupid or Hinge
The only people resorting to an Internet dating app on Valentine’s Day are the most dire individuals. Yay! You’ve got company!
There is some sick pleasure in being able to “pass” on other lonely mates, despite being in the same situation yourself (You’ve still got it!). Rejecting randoms might be the most cathartic way to make yourself feel better about being alone on V-Day.
5. See That Horrible Movie Releasing on Valentine’s Day, “Endless Love,” By Yourself
This is unusually cruel and evil and totally fits the pathetic bill. Since “About Time” and “The Time Traveler’s Wife” and even “P.S. I Love You” weren’t torturous enough to sit through, this one is sure to do the trick. If you make it through the entire film without wanting to hurt yourself even more than you already do for being single, then you win a prize. It’s called “A Life.”
6. Eat Chocolates You Bought For Yourself
It’s only truly self-loathing if you act like someone else sent them to you. When people ask who sent them to you, respond with, “an unrequited lover.” Ohhh, cryptic. When it comes to the truth, one thing you and your cheating ex-boyfriend can agree upon: deny, deny, deny.
7. Dig Into the Archives: Hit Up Your Ex For Plans
Especially on Valentine’s Day, this has got to be the most self-punishing act known to man and automatically pins you as the loser in the relationship -- perfect! Just what we were looking for! When you find yourself scanning your phonebook archives, you know it’s game over.
Since you really just don’t want to be anywhere near happy on Valentine’s Day, text your ex and ask him what he’s up to. Don’t worry, it’ll all be over by February 15.