The 6 Signs You're The Hot Mess Nobody Wants To Be Around At The Bar

by Sam Maracic

No matter how you slice it, if there's one thing we ladies love to do, it’s indulge in an occasional night out. Blame it on stress at work, too many papers, or just the justifiable need to let our hair down; we all need to get a little crazy from time to time.

While most of us have admittedly teetered the line between memorable and mortifying at some point or another, no self-respecting female wants to earn herself the title of "that girl.” It's unflattering, unattractive and sometimes even unsanitary.

If you have to contemplate whether or not your behavior warrants this label, there's a strong chance it does. If you're still unsure, here are six signs you are, in fact, a hot mess.

Slurred Words

Kirill Was Here

Apart from the more literal reasons one may frequent the bar, a major part of the going out process involves the ability to converse with others. If you have reached the point where you are unable to socialize without a translator fluent in drunken talk, then Houston, we have a problem. Couple that sloppy, spit drenched commentary, with some of your unfortunate behavior, and you have a recipe for disaster on your hands.

The Inability To Stand

Kirill Was Here

This one is more than a sign; it’s a word of warning. If you can’t hold your weight in a vertical position without the stability of a wall, bar or series of uncomfortable strangers, you are all kinds of struggling. Besides the fact that falling in a dress while the entire bar is in view of your lady bits is embarrassing, taking a drunken tumble can literally be a danger to your health. No one wants to tell his or her parents about that new medical accessory - be it a cast, stitch or venire – as a result of an alcohol-induced catastrophe.

Mascara Face Paint

This is never a good look, and more than that, almost always the telltale sign of a hot mess. If you passed the point of caring to the extent that your once well-painted face is dripping down your cheeks for the world to see, it's probably time to find your way to the nearest exit. No harm, no foul. We've all been there. Chalk this one up to a lesson learned. Unless it’s Halloween face paint, it’s a no go. So call it a night, and keep it moving!

A Best Friend Babysitter

Kirill Was Here

There is really nothing like the art of "minding the mess." If one, two or dare I say, all of your friends, have taken it upon themselves to follow you around the bar, it is definitely an indication that you are steadily approaching the realm of hot mess territory. All judgment aside, it is highly unlikely that any of your friends broke out their cutest pumps for the sole purpose of chasing you around. Pun intended.

Bare Feet

We all know the plight that is wearing heels, and being the girl who falls in them when she’s sober, I completely understand the struggle. However, if you choose to sport some foxy stilettos or sky high wedges prior to leaving the pregame, you have got to find a way to keep them on once the hazy fog of inebriation has hit.

If you have lost all qualms about strutting your stuff on the sticky floors of a club, you are setting yourself up for serious public shaming...and probably some kind of infection. You’re going to feel gross enough about yourself in a few hours; there’s no need to add nasty unmentionables on the bottoms of your feet to the mix.

Puke Breath…Hair, Clothes (Really Anything Involving Vomit)

Our last and final sign of a hot mess is vomit. If there's anything worse than a human weeble-wobble attempting to trudge through the bar, it’s one doing it with regurgitated pizza in her hair.

No matter where it happens or how many times, once you toss your cookies, it’s time to toss yourself into a cab, ASAP. Forget the "rallying" nonsense we've all heard (and probably attempted too many times). Puke breath is never cute and always the sign of a rough, rough evening.

As young, independent ladies, the occasional rocky night is inevitable. But, if you can manage to shy away from the avoidable blunders of a hot mess, more power to you! The world needs a few more ladies like you keeping it classy.

Top photo courtesy of Kirill Was Here