The Beach Boys had the right idea when they wrote the song "In My Room," but they missed the specific spot within one's room where all the dreaming, scheming, crying and sighing actually happens: the bed.
Yes, those comforters that not only caress your body like Leo caresses Kate in the steamy "Titanic" scene that we all secretly want to reenact, but the sheets that also hold your blood, tears, sweat, aspirations, fears, fantasies and anxieties -- figuratively speaking, of course.
Yet, as marvelous as our cozy, coveted crib may be, we are not blind to its impediments -- ergo, the love/hate relationship we form with our bed:
1. Clean Sheets vs. Cleaning the Sheets
What's better than the smell of clean sheets? Sticking your face in your covers and taking a deep inhale after a fresh batch of laundry is quite literally the best feeling in the world. It's like a warm, embracing hug for your nasal cavity. How is laundry snuffing not considered a legitimate drug addiction?
On the other hand, what's worse than cleaning your sheets? Lugging them to the laundry room, realizing just how much arm strength you lack and using half your stash of quarters just for a comforter is a start. Not to mention, in addition to the sheets, you may have to throw in the comforter, duvet cover and any extra blankets.
Then comes the wait; your sheets own you for the next three hours. Want to go get lunch with a friend? FORGET IT! Your sheets need you.
Then you have to lug the load back to your bed. Why can't these sheets magically put themselves back on the bed, instead of you having to forcefully strain them and possibly your back in order to fit the unnatural shape of your rectangular bed?
2. The Familiar Smell vs. The Smell
Are you a narcissist for liking your own smell? Of course not! Your bed is like a scent sponge.
It soaks up the scent of whomever has been lying on it. Missing your guy's scent after he leaves your place? Your pillowcase is basically a stand-in during his absence.
The downside? Sometimes people smell bad. With time, your sheets may smell like the ghost of workouts past. They become marinated with the blood and tears of the human experience. How empathetic of them to absorb your pain.
3. Perfect Comfy Place To Do Homework vs. Falling Asleep And Not Doing Homework
Have a paper to write? Prop a couple pillows up, lie back and get ready to be productive. Ready, set...
Oh no, you fell asleep for three hours. That's okay!
Just readjust the pillows to a more upright position and ready, set...
Dangit! Fell asleep again. Curse you, bed, and your sedative effects!
4. The Best Possible Place To Watch Netflix vs. Realizing You've Just Spent The Entire Day Watching Netflix
You see your bed. You see your computer. You see an opportunity: Netflix! Watching shows or movies in bed is like having a movie theatre personally delivered to your room, but comfier.
You'll just watch a few of the latest "New Girl" episodes and then shower and get ready to go over to your friend's place like you said you would.
Five hours, multiple seasons and 15 missed calls later, you're STILL in bed watching Netflix. Well, there goes that plan.
5. Sleeping In vs. Sleeping In
When it's the weekend, your bed actually becomes Calypso. Sleeping for 12 hours seems like a pretty normal and VERY appealing concept. You feel so well rested and ready for the rest of the day (if you don't end up still in your bed for the 12 remaining hours of the day).
Sleeping in on a weekday, though? The worst. You're late, disheveled, regretful, stressed, etc. It seemed like such a good idea in the moment as your bed was seducing your sleep cycle. But now, your morning has become a condensed version of the nine circles of hell from "Dante's Inferno."
6. Knowing You Have The Comfiest Bed In The World vs. Becoming Anti-Social Because You Need Your Bed
If comfy bed contests were a thing, your bed would most definitely win. All other beds want to be your bed. The description of just how comfortable your bed is becomes ineffable -- others just have to experience it for themselves.
When it comes to other beds, nothing compares. Sleepovers? You'll probably end up on the floor, or worse: in somebody else's bed that is far inferior to your own.
It's the moment when you and your boyfriend or best friend decide whose house to sleep at after a night out. You could demand your own bed and have the best sleep of your life, or you could sleep at his or her house and risk serious sleep deprivation and possible emotional trauma.
At some point after you keep demanding to sleep in your own bed, you alienate your friends and potential love interests. All is okay, though. Your bed is the only friend you need.