Every person goes out on Saturday night with a motive, whether it's to find a rebound, an excuse to wear that new outfit or simply to get forget-your-name drunk (because it's fun and you're good at it).
I typically go out with three intentions: to have a good time, to practice my Taylor-Swift-bad dance moves and to meet interesting people.
That being said, after an hour taking of shots, practicing said awful dance moves and more shots, I always take a break to go to any woman's holy land at a party: the bathroom.
Traditionally, bathrooms are places where ladies go to powder their noses — and absolutely nothing else. In reality, a bathroom can serve as a therapist’s room, a corner of shame or a VIP party zone.
Honestly, if the world acted the way girls do in the bathroom, everything would be so much more enjoyable and functional — sort of. I recommend visiting the powder room between 12:15 and 12:45 am because after that, you will experience vomit or a lot of unpleasant people.
The girls you will find in the bathroom come from all different walks of life and their nights are all so incredibly different from yours that you will likely find them to be intriguing.
The sad part is that you will probably never see these newfound girlfriends again. Still, the bond of the bathroom is one to which women cling. To all the ladies I’ve befriended in the girls’ room, this one is dedicated to you:
You don’t know why she is crying, but there she is, mascara running down her cheeks and looking like a sad, drunk puppy.
She may have seen Chad making out with Eliza, or maybe she just really wants to sing karaoke but nobody will let her; regardless, something has gone horribly unexpected in the night and she just can’t take it anymore.
Unlike when your friends cry at a party (ugh, buzz kill), this stranger is not your responsibility, but your maternal instincts show when you’re drunk, so you try to console her until it gets boring.
You’ll seriously ask yourself, “Is that fellow partygoer in the stall next to me Kristin Wiig?” There is always a girl who is recounting a hilarious anecdote that happened in the course of her evening.
It’s a good thing that you’re in the bathroom because you might want to pee your pants after laughing so hard at the punch line of her story.
She is also known as the motivator, as she is giving her bestie a pump-up talk while reapplying her lip stain. Her speech goes something like this:
Okay, here’s the deal. You’re hot! He’s hot! What could possibly go wrong? Go up to him, ask if he wants to take a shot, then after, I’ll come pull you both on to the dance floor and then I’ll pretend that I need to throw up so I will run away and the rest will be easy! But, don’t worry; I’ll be watching you guys the whole time, if you need me... in a non-creepy way. Just give me the signal if he turns out to have a sixth finger or like, a bastard child. I LOVE YOU! YOU CAN DO THIS! RIGHT, EVERYONE?!
All of a sudden, a deafening sound of "YEAH!" and "WOOO-HOOO" will permeate the bathroom, as other patrons help the wing-woman set up her friend.
Seriously, the unity that comes from the ladies' room can be so inspiring!
This girl redefines mean. She cuts you in line, hogs the mirror, trash-talks people you don’t even know (but for whom you feel terribly sorry). All the while, she isn’t even sweating, which makes it even easier for you to dislike her.
She is the rare exception of girls you meet in the bathroom: You will not miss her or even think of her fondly later in life.
*She is probably a nice girl when she's sober, but...
The Short-Term Best Friend
She lent you a tampon or told you your top was cute or alerted you of the toilet paper stuck to your heel. Whether she saved your social life or complimented you, she instantly became your bathroom BFF.
You guys laugh together, fix your hair together and then, when you part ways, you hug and say things like, “I love this girl!” You call each other "girl" a lot because you don’t even introduce yourself; there’s no need, as your bond is bigger than first names.
You may even take this friendship to the bar and take a shot together. Still, like many great stories, this one comes to an end almost immediately after it starts. The next time you are in the bathroom, remember this: Don’t be the bitch, tend to the crier and be somebody’s short-lived best friend.
Photo Courtesy: We Heart It