30 Things Every Girl Secretly Wishes Will Happen Before She Turns 30
Remember when you were in middle school, and sometimes the older kids in college would come back to visit? You thought that they were sooo much more mature? That's kind of how we 20-somethings feel about turning 30.
As ambitious, bright women, there's a lot we hope to accomplish by the time we are 30. It's distant enough not to feel real, but it's close enough to start applying some pressure.
And while some things we wouldn't admit outright, we definitely do have goals for ourselves in mind. Here are the 30 things every girl secretly hopes will happen before she turns 30.
1. Your boobs sag upwards
And then magically grow to perfect C-cups. A girl can dream, right?
2. Your ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend needs adult braces
In all honesty though, we could wish for a whole lot worse...
3. Starbucks iced coffee flows like beer on tap
Genius, we know™. (Word on the street is that Google rocks an iced coffee keg. Kudos, guys.) H/T: Google.
4. You find someone who loves you and your no-pants habit
Someone who supports your reckless spending on gossip magazines. Someone who truly understands you and loves it. Someone who will sacrifice his own pleasure just to see you happy... Or, you know, just a functioning relationship would be nice.
5. Your boss contracts an STD
Well, that's a nice way of putting what we hope happens to him/her.
6. Netflix gets better movies
7. You can easily afford a mani/pedi each week
While we're at it, you can add: a Sephora shopping spree, Nicole Richie's wardrobe, and every page of Bazaar magazine's September issue.
8. The obvious signs of sun damage are reversed...
...By having a permanent tan.
9. Exercise becomes easier
Bonus points if you can see the results and you make it part of your routine. The rest of us can get a head start now by learning how to run.
10. You go some place more exotic than your jungle-themed bathroom
The Maldives would be nice. We hear Bora Bora is particularly beautiful this time of year too.
11. Taylor Swift gets fat
Like crummy boyfriends and grating songs that get stuck in your head, good genes don't last forever.
12. You learn how to style your own hair properly
Is it just us, or does, like, every successful 30-something woman look like she just stepped out of a Pantene Pro-V commercial?
13. You find success in a job that doesn't feel like "The Devil Wears Prada"
To be fair, you wouldn't mind the clothing, but you want a career that promotes you above intern status and makes you happy.
14. You hire a personal Fonzworth Bentley
Like a personal assistant, except one that stars in "Outkast" music videos and does all your sh*t for you.
15. Dialing a restaurant is not what you mean by "I'm cooking dinner"
By the time you are 30, you will learn how to cook without Seamless if it's the last thing you do!
16. You give zero f*cks about other people's opinions
Yeah, that's right. I could give a sh*t if you like this post or not! .... (Like it, pleeeaaase.)
17. You graduate to drinking something other than clear liquids
No, rosé doesn't count.
18. You land the opportunity to have sex with your celebrity crush
Er, this isn't a fantasy of ours at all.
19. You're never picked up in an Uber minivan
Minivans, of any capacity, are the WORST.
20. The social media world blows up, somehow
Or at the very least, you scale back on your Facebook habit. You prefer to keep your personal life (..and babies??) like Kimye -- off air.
21. You cease all reliance on Mom for things like toilet paper
...Just kidding. Mom will always be your go-to gal.
22. You pull-off dying your hair ombre purple
And only getting more and more fabulous.
23. You do something crazy and live to tell the tale
Whatever this means: moving away, changing careers, going skydiving, getting bangs, go for it.
24. You build up the courage to pursue what it is you really want
Absolute confidence comes from years of uncertainty.
25. Television networks find a replacement for "Breaking Bad"
You're still in mourning.
26. You get that small pet you've longed for since childhood
This implies that you'll be able to take care of yourself first.
27. You have the time to fulfill everything on these "Before 30" lists
Live in a faraway land! Study a new language! Go snorkeling in a magical elf pond of youth! ...You get it.
28. You break your addiction to salacious gossip
Yeah, right. And take away our favorite form of fun?
29. Your metabolism starts cooperating with you
30. You're not hungover tomorrow morning
Congrat-f*ck-you-lations, and happy birthday. Consider Leo our gift to you.
Bonus: For everything else, there's MasterCard.
Photo Courtesy: Revolution Studios/13 Going on 30