I like to sometimes reflect on the fact that I don’t perpetuate all of the stereotypes usually associated with being a woman.
My drink of choice is a good, heavy beer; I hate putting on heels and wearing makeup, and I undoubtedly talk way too openly and frequently about things ladies just should not talk about.
But, there is one stereotype I am sure I did not dodge: I’m a crier and I hate it.
Yes, I’m that girl with her sunglasses on alone in the pizzeria, trying to hide her sobbing while texting her friends that her life is literally ending and simultaneously shoving pizza into her face. You know: that girl.
It wasn’t always this way, however. I recall how my family used to call me the “stone wall” in reference to my total lack of expressing any emotion whatsoever.
They thought I might have been the devil’s spawn or something, but looking back, I was just a badass little girl. I didn’t cry at funerals; I didn’t cry when I broke my arm at the tender age of 10, and really sad movies made me feel a whole lot of nothing.
I’m not quite sure what happened between then and now, but I find myself frequently lost in a desire to have my emotionless self back. I guess life just eventually took its toll, and I now can hardly go a week without shedding at least a few tears.
The female gender, as a whole, is infamous for being overemotional, and for shedding tears when and where tears, quite frankly, need not be shed.
In fact, it seems as if nearly any single thing can trigger us, sending us into a downward emotional spiral (feminism, amiright?). Of course, not all ladies are like this; some women are stone cold walls of non-emotion, and some have their sh*t together. I envy both.
Do we want to be this way? No! I would love to power through a week, with not so much as a tear shed, but sometimes, things just don’t turn out as planned.
Here are the crying categories most girls’ tears frequently fall into:
1. The “I actually should be crying right now”
Sometimes, crying is an appropriate and healthy reaction for the body to have. After all, you’re not a heartless monster.
There are a few instances in which crying is not just completely socially acceptable, but expected, even. If your friend is moving across the country, if you’re at a funeral or if your best dog pal has gone to doggy heaven, you are totally allowed to cry without any judgments being passed.
It’s somewhat comforting when you find yourself tearing up at an appropriate time. It shows you’re an average, functioning human being with emotions (not too many emotions), and it shows you're f*cking normal. For once in your crying history, it seems as if you are on the right track.
2. The “I don’t know why I’m crying”
Nothing makes a b*tch feel less sane than when she doesn’t necessarily know why she is crying, but she is, in fact, crying.
You’re on the brink of tears all day, for no apparent reason, and you know any moment could bring the breaking point. It isn't until you’re riding the train on your way home, when you remember how much you hate public transportation and how subpar your life was today, that you sit there with tears running down your face.
You hardly care that you're making all of the people around you significantly uncomfortable, and some may even feel bad for you, since they think you obviously must be going through some sort of tragedy.
Unfortunately, the joke is on all of the strangers with compassion in their hearts because you truly do not know why you’re crying. The sadness you are experiencing is completely unjustified, and you are just an overly-emotional nut job. Sorry, world.
3. The “that really hurt”
I think it’s pretty universally unacceptable to cry over pain after the age of, like, 10 (well, at least for your average, everyday injuries). So when we find ourselves tearing up over a stubbed toe or banged funny bone, we must ask ourselves, “What’s my age again?”
(But, you know, if your guts are falling out of your stomach, you can totally cry about it.)
4. The “happy tears”
Ah, happy tears! These are surely the best kind of tears, however rare they may be. Since tears are caused by an overwhelming feeling of emotion, even the best sentiments can conjure up the wet stuff.
Whether it’s an engagement, a wedding or a sappy movie making you feel the serious fuzzies inside, happy tears are always a welcomed reminder we are human.
5. The “I literally just can’t even anymore”
Sometimes, you just literally can’t even; everyone has been here. The actual reason why you just can’ttttt dealllll is irrelevant.
From breaking a nail (oh em gee), to being just so tired and you just literally need to sleep or you’re literally going to dieeeee, when you just. literally. can't. even, you will probably cry (#GirlPower).
6. The “he’s an assh*le”
Dudes: They make you laugh; they make you cry; they make you swoon; they make you horny, but most relevantly, they make you cry.
There are so many ways in which guys, along with their dumb f*cking penises, can reduce a girl to tears. Perhaps he’s not texting you back; maybe he hit it then immediately quit it (and now you feel like a big ol' slutbag).
Maybe he cheated on you; maybe he gave you a little strand of HPV; or maybe he’s just a f*cking assh*le, and you just can’tttttt with him. So many possibilities, all (kind of) worthy of tears.
So, cry your eyes out; splurge on that new vibrator and move on.
7. The “I’m so scared!”
Fear is a very powerful and overwhelming emotion, and as we all know, with powerful emotions, comes the possibility of tears (so many, many tears).
So, whether you’re scared of the ghost you know is haunting your apartment, or terrified of the interview you are about to go on, be oh-so-prepared to crack under the scary, scary pressure.
8. The “I cannot cry here!”
“No, not now! Please, you dumb, dumb, beautiful fool, not now!” you scream at yourself inside your head as you feel a good cry coming on at [insert most inappropriate place you can think of to cry here].
Crying in a place you know is so unacceptable to cry, especially over something minute, is beyond embarrassing. Nothing says, “Hey, fellow coworkers and upper management. I’m rather emotionally unstable and definitely do not have my sh*t together,” like letting the tears flow freely at work.
There are plenty of places you shouldn’t cry, but the routine is pretty much the same, regardless of location. Once you feel it coming on, you start to strategize on how you’ll hide this minor breakdown.
Can you go outside for a bit? Can you escape to the bathroom? Can you find that one person to vent to you know will not judge you? “Answer these questions; we don’t have much time you idiot!” you mumble to your ticking time bomb of a self.
So, you put your shirt over your face, and let the tears fall inside of it, while muffling the sound of your sobs. You blow your nose and wipe your eyes. “I just have a cold,” you lie the one brave person who decided to ask if you were okay.
Everyone else you made uncomfortable is just going to pretend they didn’t see anything; there are few things that make people feel more awkward than women and the emotional juices that fall out of their tear ducts.
9. The “that video was too precious”
We’ve all been there: We see a viral video of a dog saving another dog, or a dude who just found out he’s going to be a dad, and it’s too ca-ute.
We see the same headline 17 of our Facebook friends have shared (along with the caption, “OMG, I’m literally dying! I can’t stop crying!”), and we know once we hit the play button, it’s game over.
We wait until we are home alone, grab the box of tissues we will surely need and get down to business. The video is only two minutes long, but the tears are flowing for the next 20. There is just something about animals and little humans that makes us bawl like babies.
10. The “cinematic sob fest”
We all remember the first film that made us blubber like a little b*tch. For me, it was “The Notebook.”
Now, I try to avoid chick flicks at all costs because they’re corny and I hate them, but quite simply, nothing makes my eyes roll faster than having to follow one of those lame-ass story lines.
But, the hype around “The Notebook” was overwhelming, so I watched it. “You’re going to cry,” everyone said, to which I replied, “I don’t f*cking cry” (because this was no lie at the time).
The storyline was acceptable; the sex scenes were the hottest my 14-year-old self had ever seen. And, then, the ending was so overwhelmingly sad and beautiful, my eyes produced a liquid I was hardly familiar with at the time.
It was almost as if I was feeling for the first time. Since then, a sad movie is a great excuse to let out a shameless, good cry.
11. The “song sorrowing”
It’s no secret music can be a very powerful outlet. A song can turn the most horrible day into a joyful one, motivate us during a workout, increase productivity and bring us to some serious tears.
Let’s focus on the tears, shall we? You just got into a huge fight with your boyfriend, and things aren’t looking too good between the two of you.
You put on some music to relax yourself. You know you should search for some upbeat, empowering sh*t you can dance to, and that will help you to forget all of your problems. But, no, that will not do; you don’t want to forget your problems, you want to feel them so much harder.
You know putting on the Adele/Mumford and Sons/Bon Iver song about love and love lost is going to make you completely lose your handle on the whole situation, but you press play, anyway, because I guess you’re just on a self-destructive path today.
The words to the song tear at your heartstrings like they have never been teared at before. It’s like the melody is persuading the tears right out of your tear ducts, and they dance down your cheeks, just like you knew they would.
You cry for hours because you’re a big cry baby, and there is truly no hope for you. Nobody feels the way you feel.
12. The “nostalgia attack”
There are few things that can knock the wind right out of me just by thinking them; nostalgia is surely one of them.
Recalling a pleasant memory long lost is enough to send anyone into a panicky, anxious and sad mood. Add this recollection to the fact that your life is just not on the track you had planned for yourself, and your chances of not crying today are not looking too hot.
So, just be advised that remembering how happy and carefree you were during your college years, during what seems like the single most stressful day you have ever had, will make you cry really hard, really fast.
13. The “drunken tears”
Alcohol has the tendency to amplify whatever emotions we have been feeling that day. Chances are a happy, joyful day, accompanied by a positive attitude, will flawlessly transition into a fun-filled, tear-free night out.
However, pour some shots down the throat of a girl who is having a less-than-perfect day, and drunk tears are almost guaranteed. Any small, minute problem this bitch might be experiencing will turn into a full-blown tragedy in her brain, once alcohol clouds it.
Anything from boyfriend issues, to something as insignificant as spilling beer on her favorite white shirt, can be the reason behind the hysterics she, along with everyone around her, is about to experience.
14. The “they just changed my birth control”
Birth control just has a way of making a bitch lose her damn mind. Sometimes, her body finally finds peace with a pill, and then, something horrible happens, and for whatever reason, she has to change it.
Starting a new brand of birth control for the first time is some real risky business; you don’t know what to expect. Let's be honest: Something terrible is probably going to happen.
15. The “menstrual meltdown”
While we’re on the subject of hormones making us insane, let me just give a big shout out to our menstrual cycles and what they do to our psyche.
It is such a stereotype that women are crazy, emotional wrecks when they’re on their periods, and I just want to break it so badly. I want to be all like, “Look, ya’ll, I have my period and I’m totally handling it so well. Watch me carry about my normal activities like a sane person!”
But, unfortunately, that hardly ever happens. On top of physical discomfort and occasional excruciating pain that makes you want to do nothing aside from curl up in a ball, the hormones are just too damn much.
16. The "I pity myself"
You are on the verge of tears for a few days straight, and any small tragedy can make them flow. (And, yes, someone looking at you the wrong way is considered a small tragedy at this time of the month, obviously.)
It seems as if everyone's life just keeps getting better and better, and yours just seems to continue in a downward spiral. In fact, you never realized someone could drown so fast; you are starting to feel really bad for yourself.
You want to be so happy for your friend who just got promoted again, and whose boyfriend just proposed to her, but your dead-end job and the lack of penis in your life make it really, really hard for you to fake that smile.
So, you fake it the best you can and go home and cry into your boyfriend (read: pillow).
17. The “why are my eyes watering?”
This is a refreshing one because you are, in fact, not crying. Sometimes, a bitch's eyes just get watery. Maybe she has a cold; maybe she has something in her eye; maybe she has allergies.
When someone asks why you are crying, you get to respond with a big ol’ prideful smile that you are, for real, not actually crying. Which is such a relief to everyone in the room because no one wanted to deal with your overly emotional ass today.
Crying is a part of life; it is a way bigger part of life for some people more than others, and that's okay. If you too are a big ol' cry baby, I say, embrace it. You're just a little more in touch with your emotions than some of the soulless monsters that walk this earth.
So, regardless of what you're crying about today, remember that all you need is a deep breath and the desire to get your sh*t together (no, seriously, we all need to get our sh*t together).