12 Ways The Winter Commute Turns You Into Menopausal Mess

by Samantha Lebbos

Here we go. It’s 6 am and your alarm just went off. You hate your life because you have to get up and bear the cold. While thinking about excuses to not go to work, you decide to set your alarm for 6:45 am.

Your plans to shower and look cute for work diminished because you’re lazy and love your bed too much to let it go.

The alarm hits 6:45 am. You definitely did not go back to sleep because you were busy checking all social media apps on planets Earth, Mars and Jupiter.

Now, you’re upset because your body is finally awake and you realize you’re going to work smelling like a grease ball. Whatever; dry shampoo and hair ties are your best friends.

You begin to think about your outfit for the day; it has to be a good one, considering your hair will be a slicked-back ponytail, held together by oil.

You check out your weather app. The weather has a lot to do with whom you plan to be for the day. It’s sunny out? You dress cute and straighten your hair. Oh, it’s raining? Definitely not showering because your hair will get wet.

Then, you remember: It’s winter.

While your pretty little eyes were resting, eight inches of snow fell to the ground. It's also 12 degrees. You hear snowplows and cars honking at each other. Get ready because getting from your bed to work just got 10 times more difficult.

Here are 12 reasons why commuting in the winter is equivalent to menopause symptoms:

1. Hot Flashes

It all starts when you lay your head down on that pillow. Are you too hot or too cold? Of course, you cannot find the median because you're too busy sweating, thinking about getting to work the next day.

2. Mood Swings

Have you ever heard of the winter blues? Well, it's a real syndrome and everyone has it.

It’s just easier to get depressed in the winter. One second, you’re happy while laying in bed, and as soon as you go outside, that smile vanishes. You’re sad. And cold.

3. Fatigue

This is the number-one symptom when it comes to commuting to anywhere during the winter. Leaving the house is a major process. You have to wear six layers of clothing items. How exhausting?

4. Hair Thinning

My hair tends to thin during the winter. Why? Because the cold dries out hair. Before leaving my apartment, I put on a hat and tuck my hair in my jacket. The next good hair day appears to be nowhere in sight.

5. Anxiety/Panic Disorder

“My hair is going to look so flat when I get to work all thanks to this stupid hat. It’s okay, I’ll make up for it in the summer when I can actually let my hair down without it drying out.

But, it’s humid in the summer. I won't have a good hair day until fall. These split ends are so bad. God. Xanax, please.”

6. Joint Pain

Did you honestly expect not to slip and fall on ice while sprinting to catch the bus? If Mother Nature had an eHarmony account, her bio would read, “I love when you are miserable. Don't date me.”

7. Sweat

You’re finally on your way to work. Those six layers of clothes are really slowing you down. While walking to the subway, you feel drops of sweat rolling down your back and in-between your boobs. You are pissed.

You contemplate going back home and calling in sick. But, you don’t. You get to work, drenched.

You shed layers of clothing in the bathroom, rinse your face and pray the next nine hours fly because you really just want to go home and exfoliate your body.

8. Weight Gain

In my (and every other person’s) defense, gaining weight in the winter is normal. Are you bored or hungry? No one knows. Not even you.

You munch so hard at work, by the time the clock strikes 5:30 pm, you’re ready to put those clothing layers back on and your sweatpants seem a little tight around the waistline.

Don’t worry, though; you’ll head back home, only to eat dinner in bed while watching Netflix. Just start your diet in May.

9. Itchy Skin

Of course, your skin will itch. You better believe cold weather will dry you up so fast you’ll spend $30 on body lotion that doesn't work.

Get used to it and move on. Just make sure no one sees you itching your sweaty body at work because someone will think you have lice.

10. Difficulty Thinking Straight

Even though this happens all year, not thinking straight is more common in the winter. Why? Because it gets dark at 4 pm and your body is just confused.

You begin to watch YouTube videos on “How To Teleport” because you just need to be somewhere where the sun is shining.

11. Body Odor

Most people smell like sh*t in the winter. What do you expect when you have to layer up and waddle to work? You're sweaty by the time you get to your destination, just like everyone else.

Carry some deodorant on you. And a candle. Also, body spray doesn’t hurt.

12. Dizziness

You will obviously be dizzy at some point during the day. This usually begins during your commute to work and your commute back home at the end of the day. This only means you are hungry. The only cure? Grab some Chipotle and run home to your bed.

Luckily, for us females, the symptoms of both winter and menopause don’t last forever. The only question we need to ask is, is it summer yet?