What is it about alcohol that makes us feel like we can cry, just because? At any given moment on a weekend night between the hours of 10 pm and 5 am, you can find a drunk girl sobbing into her handbag.
You don't even know why you're sad, but you're still going to throw a fit and then pretend like it never happened the next morning.
Sober You would never get upset about that mean girl on the bathroom line, but Drunk You can't stop sobbing after she just cut you. Oh alcohol, you pesky little devil, you.
Drinking is like "The Tale of Two Cities": in one moment it's the best of times and, in a flash, it is the absolute worst of times.
Especially when that time is you, on a street corner, wailing that you dropped your sidewalk hot dog and complaining that you can't afford to buy a new one.
We've all (so sadly) been there. Just when you think you're over the “drunk crying stage” of your alcoholic history, you find yourself sobbing to the bathroom attendant, your friends, the wall, your pillow…
Sometimes though, like in the case of biology, we actually just can't help it. Here is why girls are always drunk crying.
1. You love your best friend
Who said alcohol had to be a total downer? Sure, the tears are flowing freely on a not-so-private street corner, but these are tears of love!
Like a moving “Rent” song, you just want to belt it from the rooftops fire escapes and then sob about it later. I friggin' love you guys (hiccup, hiccup). Now, let's go get some street meat.
2. Alcohol messes with your brain, bitches
Alcohol covers the outer layer of your brain and slows down activity in areas responsible for regulating emotions and controlling judgement.
AKA if something sensitive, like running into an ex-boyfriend, triggers your delicate side, you're more likely to lose your sh*t, overreact and behave in a way only Drunk You is familiar with. Like Jamie Foxx suggests, “Blame it on the a-a-a-alcohol.”
3. The bartender kicked you out
Alcohol is like that stupid bint you invited as your wingman -- despite using it to enjoy parties more, it has this amazing ability to make us absolutely hate it.
You don't even want to be at this bar anyway! So, why the hell are you crying to everyone waiting on line that you got cut off? File it under “Existential Questions To Ponder On The Toilet” for another day.
4. Nobody loves you
Here are the two requirements for a perfect drunk-cry sh*tstorm: 1. Active and current single status 2. Painful realization that no one is giving you attention.
Taken together (stirred, not shaken) and mixed with a tidal wave of vodka, and you've got one sad, lonely crying drunk girl coming right up. Usually served straight-up. Best enjoyed alone.
5. Your tear ducts are responsible
According to Ad Vingerhoet's research in NYMag, clinical psychologist at Tilburg University, women have shallower tear ducts, which fill-up more quickly and are more likely to spill over than men's larger tear ducts.
Additionally, previous studies have shown that testosterone inhibits crying, while women's elevated levels of tear-triggering hormone, prolactin, promote emotional expression.
Men are, therefore, hard-wired to cry less, and women are prone to cry more frequently. Especially when alcohol is involved, it becomes harder to fight biology.
6. It's your birthday
And you'll cry if you want to! Wait, who are you kidding, no birthday would be complete without some shedding of tears -- whether it's lamenting that you're another year older or freaking out because that life-ruiner-assh*le-bouncer won't let your man crush into your party! WAH!
Birthdays are just another sad reminder that life can be so hard. May we kindly suggest the gift of the Pity Party?
7. Your feetsies hurt
Uncomfortable shoes are a drunk woman's kryptonite. One heel too high and they'll ruin your entire night.
Or, at the very least, you'll make sure the outing is prematurely over by bursting into tears and taking your shoes off and dramatically throwing them into the middle of the street. Hmm, maybe Cinderella was just a drunk idiot like the rest of us.
8. You really hate your city
In an over-the-top scene not unlike every aspiring actor's wet dream, you're standing outside in the freezing cold, freshly rejected by the club doorman, and jacked up on enough prolactin (see #5) to just take it all out on your city.
This is your big break -- your big blubbering moment on the sidewalk. You have dreams of making it out of this forsaken town. You're gonna make it someday! You'll show all of them!
9. You lost your phone
The stages of which are very well-explained in this video. Even if you found it 10 seconds later in your bra, you're still crying about it well into the following morning.
10. You saw your ex
It was everything you dreaded happening. He was making out with another girl. He posted it to Instagram.
And now you have the concrete answer as to why he didn't respond to your drunk pleading text five minutes prior. Ouch. Here, take our shoulder to cry on and this leftover cocktail. You could really use it.
11. You spilled on your good dress
Which is shocking, because last you checked none of the men in this bar were even buying you drinks. What's your solution for masking a stain?
Draw attention to the black tears streaming down your face instead.
12. They won't even serve you at the deli
If I couldn't get a fully loaded turkey pastrami reuben with a side of Russian drunk at 4 am, there would be more than just tears. Crying is for amateurs.