Somehow, our Millennial culture has decided that showing any sort of romantic interest is a form of absolute f*cking insanity.
As a result, Millennial women regularly go to absolutely absurd lengths to ensure they are not seen as “crazy” in the eyes of their significant others.
Here are the 11 craziest things we do to not appear crazy:
1. Friends with benefits
Of all of the crazy torturous sh*t to which Millennial women subject themselves (Brazilian waxes, CrossFit training, juice cleanses, etc.), I truly believe this may take the cake as the most insane.
For anyone who’s been living under a rock for the past couple decades, “friends with benefits” is a deal you make with a close friend to start hooking up with “no strings attached.”
Unless your life is a romantic comedy and he ends up declaring his love to you in some sort of flash mob, this situation almost always will end disastrously.
It’s not that shocking, though, is it? You are hooking up with one of your close friends. In other words, you are attracted to him and love his personality.
Most people would call this love. But, no, you are choosing to be “cool” and pursue this relationship with “no strings attached.” Yes, it is as psychotic as it sounds.
Nevertheless, plenty of Millennials are more than willing to subject themselves to this cruel and unusual form of emotional torture because admitting to their natural desires for something more with the people they clearly could have fabulous relationships with could potentially make them seem clingy or weird.
2. Hooking up with someone else to “make him jealous”
If you care about someone enough to even have the desire to make him feel jealous, odds are you don’t really want to be with anyone else.
But, he did something to hurt you and instead of admitting how you feel, and thus, accepting some sort of defeat, you make him feel the pain you felt by sticking your tongue down the throat of some dude about whom you don’t give a sh*t (preferably someone he knows or can literally see in plain sight).
Best case scenario: Your plan works and he realizes what a hot commodity you are and apologizes for ever taking you for granted. Worst case scenario: He thinks you’re disgusting and never forgives you. Either way, you just went out of your way to unnecessarily do something you have no real desire to do.
Sane people do not do these things.
3. Not saying how you feel
You and Joe have been dating for five months now.
He has held your hair back while you puked for a solid five hours after that one awful cafeteria sushi experience; he has gotten you tissues you while you ugly cried re-watching Ryan carry Marissa’s body in "The O.C." for the millionth time; he sends you flowers with funny cards every once in a while just because he feels like it.
Joe rocks. You love Joe. But there is no way in hell you will tell him that because, naturally, Joe would deem the girl with whom he has spent the past five months of his life in a committed relationship with an absolute psycho the minute she admits she loves him and appreciates everything he does for her.
4. Talking to every person except for him to figure out what you “are”
You’ve hooked up six times now (four times drunk, twice sober, and there was also that one time you went back to his apartment but passed out without hooking up because you were too drunk… so, technically, seven times??), and you text all day, every day. One time, you even soberly spoke on the phone.
Everyone, from your best friend to your Uber driver, has gotten a detailed account of each and every time you and this dude have ever shared any sort of interaction. Now, it is up to them to use this unsolicited information to define your relationship.
The only problem here is that the only other person who is actually there when you guys are hanging out is him. Furthermore, I’m willing to place some huge money on the fact that he probably has a better idea of how he feels about you than your Uber driver.
So, why not just ask him? Well, obviously, he will just think you are absolutely nuts for wanting to know what exactly it is you’re doing with the guy who you spend 90 percent of your time texting and the other 10 percent hooking up with.
5. Blatantly ignoring him at a party
You see him from across the room; he is the only human being in the room you want to be with right now. So, naturally, you spend the entire night avoiding him at all costs.
6. Wait extended periods of time to respond to a text
At 2:30 pm, he texts you, “Hey, what are you up to tonight?” You see his name on your screen and immediately a choir of angels starts to play in your head as you screenshot and send to all your best friends with the most appropriate caption you can think of -- “!!!!”
You know exactly what you’re doing tonight. You get off work at six, then you have to be at Becky’s birthday dinner at 7:30, then you guys will probably go out, at which point, you would give your left arm to meet up with him.
Nevertheless, you spend two hours in absolute misery as you force yourself to play it cool and wait to respond. You know, so he doesn’t think you’re some sort of freak who promptly responds to text messages.
7. Screen-shotting friends
The question was pretty self-explanatory: “What are you up to tonight?” You know what you are up to tonight.
As mentioned earlier, you get off work at 6, then you have to be at Becky’s birthday dinner at 7:30, then you guys will probably go out, at which point you would give your left arm to meet up with him. Maybe leave out the left arm part, but other than that, that’s the only answer he was looking for.
This doesn’t stop you from screen-shotting the exact message and sending the photo out to any and all group texts you have going with any and all trusted friends and family members and enlisting their help in crafting the perfect cool, casual response (more often than not, it ends up being some sort of variation of what you would have said completely on your own).
Suddenly, you have transformed yourself into an infant who is incapable of answering even the simplest question without the help of your friends and family.
8. Pretending to be hammered
So he hasn’t texted you at all tonight, and it’s 11 pm, and you’re honestly pretty sober, but you need to know what he’s up to.
Obviously, texting him a simple “what are you up to?” would just be absolutely insane, so you throw in a few extra letters (“whats aree you up tooozsd?”) to make it very clear that the only reason you would ever be texting him at all and caring enough about what he’s doing is that you are absolutely hammered.
I find this particular method absolutely hilarious after the invention of the iPhone, where typos like that are essentially impossible to make.
Take a minute to just imagine someone going out of his or her way to create typos on an iPhone and laugh with me.
9. Refusing to text first
You guys love "The Office." That’s your thing. Now, you’re at the post office and there is a man working at the front desk who is a carbon copy of Dwight Schrute.
None of your friends watch 'The Office," so they wouldn’t even get it, which leaves him as the only other person you know who would appreciate this truly hilarious sighting as much as you do.
You take your phone out to take a picture of the look-a-like and go to message him when, suddenly, you remember: He hasn’t texted you all day!! You quickly delete the picture and forget about the text at all because some nitwit long ago decided it is absolutely unacceptable for the girl to initiate the first text.
10. "Should I text him???"
It’s 1:30 am, you’re out with your friends and the bar is about to close. The only person you want to see right now is him. You already have your text drafted and are absolutely going to text him.
Nevertheless, you still want to appear as though you are a rational person who weighed out the pros and cons of your decision, so you ask each and every one of your friends, and possibly the bathroom attendant, for his or her input on whether or not you should go ahead and press send.
11. Obsessing over Snapchat
Snapchat provides many new and exciting means by which we can do absolutely insane things in an attempt to appear cool.
The best form of all comes through the “best friends” feature. You guys casually Snapchat back and forth when suddenly, CODE RED CRISIS, you realize he’s in your top three.
You dash on over to his name in your contacts and things go one of two ways: Either you’re also in his top three, in which case, crisis averted, or you are not present in his, in which case, the crisis is very real and action must be taken immediately.
The crisis here is obviously that he will check your Snap best friends and immediately assume you are more into him than he is into you, then get creeped out and never speak to you again.
So, naturally, you will focus your next hour rapid-fire Snapping your (preferably male) best friend to replace him and restore your sanity in his eyes.