11 Struggles Every Sexually Awkward Woman Goes Through
When it comes to sex and feeling sexy, we're not all the same -- not by a long shot.
For some of us, feeling sexy simply doesn't look like the sultry and body-free representation we see in magazines, movies and, well... porn. We've often tried to live up to the hype and the expectation, but the results are far too often awkward and embarrassing.
Hopefully, we've found the subtle humor in the end, but maybe not. Either way, these are the struggles of every sexually graceless woman. Hail to the awkward.
11. You've never been more at a loss for words than when your partner wants you to talk dirty
"Ooh baby..." usually begins and ends that sentence. No matter how good you were in English comp, there are not enough adjectives or verbs in the world that could make your dirty talk even remotely sexy.
10. Lap dancing is actually awkward dry humping
When you're not entirely confident in your up-close grinding skills, this technique is sure to backfire. Either way you turn, the amount of junk thrashing back and forth doesn't at all look like sex with clothes on.
9. A striptease is your biggest naked nightmare
You watched Demi Moore do it like a champ in "Striptease," but your personal stripper pole from Hot Topic only brought humiliation and a trip to the emergency room. Who knew you needed that much upper body strength?
8. Cotton underwear trumps lacy anything on most days
Victoria's Secret has nothing on you when you whip out your unicorn and ice cream cotton undies. Nothing gets him hotter than mythical creatures and dessert.
7. You have close to zero hot sex stories to share at a drinking game
Can't really get any major kudos points when the craziest place you've ever done it was at a Motel 6 last summer. Cars, bathrooms, church -- these are now top priority on your sex bucket list.
6. Masturbation is like the Lost City of Atlantis
You feel even more awkward when you realize you don't know nearly enough about your hooch that you should, considering it's all your lady parts down there, and you never care to really explore.
5. You need a thorough user's manual with all sex toys and sex-related equipment
Candles, oils, setting the scene. No, you're really more concerned with the ridiculous amount of noise that's coming from your vibrator and the fear that literally everyone in your apartment complex (or God forbid, parent's house) will hear you.
Also, handcuffs and whips are just out of your range of comprehension, as you don't know how to use them without looking like a freaky version of "Law & Order."
4. Watching porn is either hilarious or downright uncomfortable
Your partner thinks this is a great way to pick up some moves or set the mood, but the only thing you're really focusing on is the eerie pattern of creepy expressions on every girl's (and guy's) face, which definitely kills the aforementioned mood.
That, or you're judging her clear high heels.
3. Sex fantasies are more like realistic relationship milestones
"We'll make love and live happily ever after." You might as well punch him in his already-blue balls. You settle thinking that your brain simply doesn't have enough sexual imagination to cook up a hot and juicy sex fantasy.
2. You posses a primal knowledge of sex positions
You give it the old college try; you go out and buy every sex book known to man and Dr. Berman. You look through the "Kama Sutra" like it's written in Egyptian hieroglyphs. In bed, you try to make the horizontal the sexiest it's ever been, but you know deep down, it is so incredibly far from that.
1. Your sex face looks like you're going through an exorcism
No matter how sexy you think you look, gazing in a mirror would prove terribly otherwise. Knowing this sad fact, your next mission becomes trying to gracefully and sexually hide your face from your partner lest he tries to wash you with holy water.