I always thought I was good at number two because — I don't know — I'm a potty-trained human, but according to the Huffington Post, I suck at the aftermath part. Namely, the wiping my butt aspect.
We're taught several things growing up about wiping our doo-doo off our derrieres. First, you're supposed to wipe from top to bottom, so you don't spread fecal matter into your vagina and/or penis. Second, you should wash your damn hands after wiping your tuchus. If you still have any questions, there's an entire guide dedicated to making your butt-wiping adventures less stressful.
Here's where you're f*cking up: Your ass-wiping experience should be totally hands-free. As in, you shouldn't be using toilet paper to wipe your dirty butt. Instead, you should be using a motherf*cking bidet.
Toilet paper doesn't necessarily make us “cleaner" -- that's a purely psychological thing, considering we're forced to be very hands-on with our poop removal.
A toilet equipped with a bidet might seem weird at first, but it'll actually get you cleaner. Toilet paper smears your business all over your precious tush, while water will just eliminate it altogether.
It's also a matter of sustainability. One study claimed that Americans use 36.5 billion rolls of toilet paper every year. Additionally, we need 473,587,500,000 gallons of water and 253,000 tons of chlorine to produce that much TP.
If you're on the market for a fancy, new (wet) throne, the Toto is a great option. It's exported from Japan, and the New York Times wrote an entire article about it. That means it's the fanciest throne your ass can ever sit on (unless it's the Iron Throne, but I digress).
If you can't drop the $500 to $10,000 on a Toto (or if bidets freak you out), you can just opt for old-school wet wipes and alternate those with the dry, old-school kind. Or, you know, you can just cease pooping altogether. Your call.