Because happiness is the actual key to eternal youth, I'm happy to announce that cheese, which makes up 80 percent of my diet, can lead to a longer life.
Thanks to this news, I have officially started to believe in God.
If there is anything worth living for in Trump's America, it is cheese, dogs and "public meltdown" video compilations on YouTube.
A study in the journal Nature Medicine discovered consuming a compound called spermidine, found in aged cheese, could lengthen your life after they tested the effects of the compound on mice and rats.
When scientists discovered spermidine had a life-extending effect on rodents, they made the next logical move and surveyed 800 Italians.
Coincidentally enough, those who reported an increased intake of spermidine had lower blood pressure, a 40 percent lower chance of heart failure and a reduced risk of other cardiovascular diseases.
Since heart disease and high blood pressure are leading causes of death in this cold, hard world, it naturally leads to the conclusion that cheese can lengthen the span of your life.
That said, the effects of spermidine could be offset by the amount of fat content in cheese, which is a real bummer and also kind of ruins this whole study, if you ask me.
Science, why would you tell me cheese can lengthen my life, then tell me to "moderate" my intake?
I'm not a monk. I don't have the willpower to just put down the cheese whenever it suits you.
I wasn't gifted with some superpower to say, "Oh, no thank you. I've had quite enough of this deliciously decadent food of the gods."
And speaking of God, I'm a little disappointed in her, too.
I still believe in the power of following my bliss, even if science advises against it.
If that means I'm bound to die of heart failure, at least I'll do it with a block of brie in my mouth.