The Coachella hangover.
It may be the worst kind of hangover known to mankind. Unlike most hangovers, you're not simply recovering from an all-night mojito bender. Ha! If only it were that easy!
No, you'll be recovering from garlic grab fries, panicking you might have gotten crabs, having to stand next to a white guy with dreads for six hours, among many other nauseating situations.
Luckily, we've got you covered with tips from veteran concert goers and a certified ER technician.
Here's your complete guide to overcoming a near-death experience, aka the Coachella Hangover.
Have major Pho-Mo.
Pho may be the greatest hangover cure known to man. Between the savory broth, restorative noodles and spices that get your blood moving again, this variety of soup has everything you need to get back into gear.
Archeologists believe pho is an ancient recipe for bringing back the dead, which makes it perfect for Coachella zombies stumbling out of the desert come Monday morning.
Prepare for the inevitable.
When it comes to packing, take it from a pro. Nicoleslawface says,
On Sunday before heading into to the fest (whether you're camping or hoteling), pack as much as you can. You will be worthless on Monday morning and trying to pack will feel like running a goddamn marathon.
There's nothing worse than having to pack up your sh*t while fighting a hangover from hell. Drunk packing is way more fun, so schedule it somewhere between holding your friend's flower crown while she pukes and making out with a DJ.
Otherwise, Monday morning you'll find yourself leaving your motel room like a raided Forever 21 store because you just didn't have the energy to carry all that crap to your Jetta.
Pedialyte your way to victory.
There's a reason babies love Pedialyte. They barf, poop their pants and stumble all over the place, which makes them basically the same as a drunk festival goer. Take note from the original basic bitch: the baby.
Alexandria D., a registered ER Technician from the Bay Area, has some helpful advice on that front, having dealt with giant babies throughout her years of experience working on and off ambulances. Her advice?
If you're so messed up you land in the hospital, she'd definitely put you on an IV full of fluids, but if you're not,
Drink Pedialyte (the stuff they give to sick kids), NOT Gatorade.
But why not Gatorade you feebly ask, as you desperately eye a bright orange bottle of Fierce Melon?
Gatorade has a ton of sugar but Pedialyte just has the electrolytes your body needs to replenish without all the sugar and other bad additives. It can actually further throw electrolytes off.
"Fine!" you say, "I'll just chug plain old water then!" To that, Alexandria says,
Don't chug water. Sip it slowly because chugging can make you more nauseous or even throw up if you're really hungover.
Also, you should probably write this on a billion sticky notes and keep them all over your bathroom:
You want your pee to run clear or light yellow. Judge your hungover-ness on the color of your urine! The darker it is, the more dehydrated you are. The more dehydrated you are, the worse you feel.
None of this "if it's yellow, let it mellow." If it's yellow, you f*cking chug -- I mean, slowly sip -- water until it's clear again.
Bring the doctor to you.
House calls are no longer a thing of the past thanks to The I.V. Doc. For as low as $150, a physician will come to your home and hook you up to an IV full of vitamins and electrolytes. In 30 minutes, you'll go from sending your mom "Goodbye, I love you" texts to signing up for a marathon.
Servicing major cities including New York, Las Vegas, San Francisco, Los Angeles and, most importantly, Coachella, you can get yourself fixed up in your tent or from your bed when you get home.
When all else fails...
Sometimes you just need to throw in the towel. Admitting failure is the first step.