The gym is a great place to vent and let out all of the pent-up hostility you've accumulated throughout the workday, while also getting yourself in shape in the process.
Whenever I have a tough day at work, the idea of punching out and going for a nice long run is always one of consolation. If I'm having a really bad day, I'll throw myself in the sauna and watch all of my worries flush away with each drop of sweat.
I'm telling you, the gym has some remarkably soothing effects. Most of the time, anyway.
Then again, there are also times when the gym can become sort of aggravating -- as a result of a few, specific, types of people. The "Gym Bros."
You've probably seen more than a few at your own gym. I swear these guys never go home.
1. The bro playing techno through his iPhone speakers in the sauna
Ahh, the sauna.
I love the sauna because it provides me with perhaps the only 15 minutes throughout my day when I can find some peace and quiet, while enjoying a little schvitz in the process.
Well, leave it to the kid who decided it was a novel idea to bring his iPhone into the f*cking sauna -- and have a Deadmau5 listening party -- to go and ruin a good thing. Talk about having zero awareness of your surroundings.
I mean, ideally, I'd smoke a joint and eat some aromatic ethnic food in the sauna -- but unfortunately, when you have to be respectful to other forms of human life, you can't do that.
2. The old man bro who refuses to throw a towel on in the locker room
Granted, the senior citizens at my gym probably don’t move as quickly as some of the younger members. Still, I find it unacceptable to parade around the locker room with your junk flapping all around when there’s a pile of towels maybe a foot and a half away from your locker.
Just grab a towel man! They’re right next to you. Yeah, right there. In fact, there are towels scattered all over the gym. I'm sure the breeze feels nice when you’re sauntering up and down the locker room in your birthday suit, but there’s a whole slew of people around who don’t care to get a front-row look at your various appendages.
This isn’t a nudist colony; it’s a locker room.
3. The bro trying to have a conversation with you mid-workout
You have to love when the sweat is pouring down your brow mid-workout and good ol’ Cal -- your “gym friend” who goes by some overly masculine version of his actual name -- decides to embark on a 15-minute conversation regarding his feelings on almonds vs. cashews at the foot of the elliptical you're sweating up a storm on.
Like, dog, this isn’t the coffee shop, OK? It’s the f*cking gym. THE GYM. People come to the gym to work out, not shoot the sh*t about the most menial of conversational topics. And if you really feel this chat can’t possibly wait until sometime after the gym, could you at least wait until I finish sprinting?
4. The bro who grunts nonstop
I watch a lot of tennis, so honestly, I have a pretty good tolerance for grunting noises in general. However, like with all things, there’s a threshold for how much grunting I’m willing to take in one sitting -- especially at the gym.
Whenever I decide to use some free weights, there are always a few guys who feel compelled to make these grotesque sounds, as if they’re in the midst of undergoing some obscure, medieval form of torture.
The way I see it, if the workout you’re doing is forcing you to make THAT much noise, you shouldn’t be doing it; it’s probably not the safest. Otherwise, please, kick it down a few notches before you give yourself an ulcer.
5. The bro who chooses to run directly next to you on the treadmill
There’s nobody more annoying at the gym than the one person who decides to use the treadmill DIRECTLY next to you, despite the fact that there’s an entire row of empty treadmills to choose from.
I’ve always said this: If you really want to run near someone at the gym, at least leave one or two treadmills in between you and that person as a buffer, if you will. Choosing to run on the treadmill directly next to someone, when there is an abundance of open treadmills, is simply a direct violation of personal space.
This rule also applies to urinals, but that's a whole other can of worms.
If there was some type of treadmill shortage, fine, then it would be understandable. But, aside from that, I can’t really think of a logical reason someone would want to be that close to you while doing cardio.
6. The bro working out in jeans
I love people who show up to the gym dressed like they’re about to hop off a party bus and tear down a Sweet 16 or some semi-formal social event.
Really, man? Jeans? Did you actually leave your house under the impression that denim was a suitable fabric for working out? Like, seriously, how intense can one’s workout truly be wearing a flannel shirt tucked into a pair of Wrangler dungarees?
And, look, I’m not saying anyone should spend exorbitant amounts of money on fancy-schmancy gym clothes, but come on, any garments that require you to wear a belt should probably be reserved for more formal occasions.
7. The bro who habitually “forgets” to put on deodorant
Everyone forgets to put on deodorant from time to time; it’s a sad, smelly part of life.
However, when the same person at the gym constantly smells like a bowl of onions marinating under a hot sun, you start to wonder whether or not this person “forgot” his or her deodorant or simply refuses to use it.
It's a bad way to become known at the gym; it only takes a few forgetful days to be forever known as "The BO Guy."
8. The bro walking slower than three MPH on the treadmill
I have no problem with walkers -- in fact, I think walking is an extremely sensible cardiovascular exercise -- but, when it’s peak rush hour in the cardio section and there’s someone walking at 2.5 MPH in a row of filled-up treadmills, it’s kind of bothersome.
See, you don't need a treadmill for this kind of slow walking. You can just walk anywhere -- outside, to the food store, from your bed to your living room -- and achieve the same workout. You don’t need an expensive machine capable of handling intense cardiovascular exertions to walk leisurely.
Heck, you can even be productive walking at that speed to the laundromat or something.
9. The bro flexing in the mirror
I wonder if the dude flexing in the mirror taking pictures of himself knows every person around him can see him doing it. I’ve never understood this. There are tons of mirrors -- in many private places -- that you can choose to flex in front of without a large number of people around.
If you really want to see how big your muscles are looking, hit the bathroom -- I guarantee there’s a mirror in there for you to take a selfie in front of. These guys at the gym act as though they’ve never seen a mirror -- or themselves -- before the moment they catch a glimpse of themselves.
“What are these….arms? Wow, I better take a picture to document it.” No, you are the worst.
