As some of you may have noticed, I've been very much about fad diets lately. I did my own tea cleanse that ended in disaster, dehydration and a burning assh*le.
But that did not deter me. So here I am, back again with another wild endeavor. This time, I'm going a healthier route. I promise.
I'm not overweight, but I have trouble maintaining my weight. I gain it very easily and can never seem to lose enough. Recently, Khloé Kardashian admitted in an interview that the reason her body has been looking so fierce lately is because she gave up dairy. She lost 11 pounds in a month just by not having milk products! It sounds so easy, right?
What Saint Khloé says goes. I would trust her with my life. So, I, too, am going dairy-free.
According to Diet Doctor (this website may not be an actual doctor), cutting down on dairy is essential to losing weight when you've plateaued. Dairy could actually be the culprit behind your slowing weight loss:
Unfortunately, I have an intense addiction to cheese, chocolate and essentially anything with dairy in it. I'm already gluten-free, a side effect of being a basic white girl, so cheese has always been a kind of comfort food for me.
But as the old saying goes, “Why have cheese when you can, instead, be sad?” Come with me, little ones, on my journey down a cheese-less, chocolate-devoid existence as I attempt to lose weight and to get just a little bit closer to the goddess Khloé.
Disclaimer: I want to lose weight for my own personal reasons but in no way do I feel that anyone else needs to lose weight, and also probably no one should emulate me ever.
Week One, Day One
Step one was eliminating the delicious half-and-half I put in my coffee each morning. Goodbye, sweet angelic cream.
Bae and I spent about 500 hours in the dairy section of our bargain grocery store looking for almond milk. Every time I picked up a carton and read the ingredients, I would say to anyone who could hear (sorry, Mike): “What the f*ck is this?” Because all the f*cking almond milk was full of bullsh*t sugar. You think you're being healthy when you drink this? Well, you're not.
So when we finally found one that said ~unsweetened~, I felt satisfied.
The milk was actually quite palatable. It tasted just like two percent milk, even though it made my coffee look like Porta-Potty water on the third day of Coachella.
The stuff we get at Elite Daily is mad sweet and gross, so I was pleasantly surprised that giving up my half-and-half for my coffee wasn't hell on earth.
The cheese cravings, though. I was just waiting for them to begin. You can take the girl out of the mozzarella, but you can't take the mozzarella out of the girl, ya dig?
Week One, Day Two
Bae and I went out to dinner and quickly realized that f*cking everything has dairy. I could not have the appetizer I wanted, because asiago is a cheese.
I asked our server if the asiago-crusted crostinis were dairy-free, and she looked at me like I was a crackhead who had wandered off the street. So I went with the steak.
This restaurant is one of my favorites. They have this dangerously good apple pie à la mode. I felt super blessed to not be able to have it.
Saint Khloé, you better be right about this, because I just spent $106 on a meal without having apple tart à la mode.
Week One, Day Six
During lunchtime, I had a hard time deciding on salad because I go to a place where I get five toppings for $10. I have my go-to salad: chicken, tomatoes, avocado, almonds and mozzarella.
I couldn't have moz because of this dairy-free bullsh*t, so I spent my entire time in line trying to figure out what to get. Making a salad is an art. It's as delicate as navigating foreign policy. I couldn't simply replace the moz. I had to completely rethink my choices.
On top of that, I couldn't get my favorite chipotle dressing because it's cream-based (I know, I know, it's a salad, and that isn't exactly a healthy dressing. Do you see why I'm dairy-free now?)
In the end, I ended up doing OK for myself. I went with chicken, egg, avocado, chickpeas and roasted red peppers topped with olive oil and balsamic vinegar.
I was surprised at how light I felt after. I was full, but not weighed down. I felt like I was still functioning at top performance levels, not at all falling subject to that dreaded midday food coma.
Week Two, Day One
I decided to be a masochist and started Googling pictures of cheese.
I just had to look at them. I needed to remind myself of what I couldn't have. I'd been making a lot of vegetables. I was getting really sick of f*cking vegetables.
Week Two, Day Four
After two and a half weeks of dairy-free life, my abs were more defined. I felt like the intense ab workouts I'd been doing six times a week were finally showing. I saw the line down the middle of my belly becoming more defined. It really was encouraging.
It might have been because I was cutting down on extra calories overall, but I really started to believe they hype this day. Milk definitely slows down weight loss.
Week Three, Day One
Cream, cream, beautiful delicious creamy cream.
At this point, I missed the cream in my coffee more than I'd like to admit. Drinking it black was OK, but I didn't exactly like it.
Almond milk was still not readily available, and when it was, it was the sugary kind. I certainly didn't trust the curmudgeons at Starbucks to keep sugar out of their coconut milk. So black was essentially the only way to go.
I really wanted chocolate. Like so badly. The kind of chocolate cravings you only get when you're on day three of your period and that sh*t is raging.
For the last three weeks, I'd been vacillating between moments of clarity and complete dairy desperation.
Week Three, Day Four
What was in the fridge at work this morning but UNSWEETENED ALMOND MILK? I literally jumped for joy when I saw it. I made my coffee. I was so excited to have it.
But alas, it was so unsatisfactory. It wasn't creamy enough. It made me sad.
Week Three, Day Five
Last night, I had my first sex dream about cheese. Mozzarella, to be exact. I was thinking about hot, dripping melting moz on fresh cut tomatoes just oozing into my mouth. I'm getting wet just thinking about it now. Oh cheese, I miss you so.
Fresh and sharp. On toothpicks. Waiting to be devoured.
During the final seven days of my perilous, cheese-less, chocolate-deprived diet, I was actually feeling great. My clothes were looser, my abs were more defined, and I was finally used to almond milk. I was even enjoying it.
Unfortunately, forgoing my cheese addiction led to my developing another addiction to compensate. It came on during week three, but I didn't recognize it was a problem until later.
I became hopelessly obsessed with Amazon.
Over this last weekend, I spent $500 on bullsh*t I did not need, and payday was still 12 days away.
Why did I need three new crop tops, two leotards, a blender, headphones, a fanny pack (I don't want to talk about it, OK?), three berets in various colors and a bunch of bralettes that wouldn't even fit over my D-cup titties? I don't know, but I did. I bought it all.
When all was said and done, I lost five pounds over the four weeks I went dairy free. Khloé definitely did not lead me astray. While losing a few extra pounds was great, it was hard AF.
I ate my weight in ice cream as soon as I found a spoon. Yes, I bought ice cream to have for breakfast after I was finished killing myself, OK? Don't you judge me. Don't you DARE.
I plan to stay away from cheese and milk as much as possible in the future, but cutting dairy out completely for the rest of my life just sounds like a miserable way to live. Give me ice cream or give me death.