The Kentucky Derby is coming up this Saturday which means...I don't know...drinking, big hats and guys who refer to each other as "Buddy" and "Pal," I think???
Each May, people descend on the great state of Kentucky to watch horses with outrageous names like Always Dreaming, Irish War Cry and my personal favorite, Hence (seriously, look it up) run around in a circle while getting wasted.
In the past, races have ended as quickly as two minutes, making for one really expensive trip to Kentucky and a few brief moments of excitement.
I don't know about you, but I'd want my money and sobriety back.
Here are 25 things we thought of that last longer than The Kentucky Derby race:
1. Your stomach pain after eating hot wings.
2. The credits at the end of a music video.
3. Cooking soup in your microwave.
4. Shaving your legs.
5. The time it takes to leave your apartment and ride the elevator down to the first floor.
6. Your social media-obsessed friend's Instagram story.
7. My boyfriend -- HAAAYYYOOO!!! (Had to.)
8. Waiting for your Uber after you already requested it.
9. The intro sequence to the show "House of Cards."
10. The voicemail your grandmother left you for your birthday.
11. The lingering smell of Febreze mixed with poop after you spray it.
12. How long Christina Aguilera can hold a high C.
13. How long it took to install the clock that times the race.
14. The amount of time it takes to go pee while wearing a complicated romper.
15. Perfecting your cat eye with crappy eyeliner.
16. Shotgunning a beer (for some people...me...mostly...)
17. A MTV commercial break.
18. Refilling your metro card.
19. Finding the perfect avocado, watermelon, mango etc. at the grocery store.
20. Transferring money from your savings account to your checking account with no WiFi.
21. Picking out a color for your next manicure.
22. Finding your car in a crowded parking garage.
23. Crafting the perfect tweet.
24. The amount of time it takes for the jockey to get dressed in his jockey outfit.
25. Reading this list.
God Speed Hence! Don't let mama down!!!