Guy Mistakes Sex Noises For GF's Fart Fetish And Regrets It
It's always funny to hear what people assume about sex before they start having it.
I remember being a kid and my friend telling me a blowjob was when you blew on the penis. I was like "That doesn't sound correct," but I was in fifth grade -- who was I to question someone a little bit older and a little bit wiser than me?
Guys always say they assume the vagina is "further up" than it is, which I guess kind of makes sense?
Now, queefs, or"vaginal flatulence" (if you want me to stop giggling) are a totally normal occurrence. It happens when air gets trapped in the vagina and it is expelled. This happens a lot during sex.
But if you're an 18-year-old boy, you probably don't know that.
Like all other posts on this sub, this did not happen yesterday, but about 10 years ago when I was in my sexual prime. Now before I begin, it should be noted I'm an only child. Therefore I had no sibling to teach me about the birds and the bees, and my parents worked ALL the time. They both worked C-Level jobs at big companies so I hardly ever saw them. Everything I know about sex today is through experience and the wonderful world of the internet. So at this time in my life, I had already had sex with a small handful of girls. Being only 18, I thought I was hot shit. My life consisted of throwing parties at my parents vacant mansion and sex. Every 18 year olds' dream right?
To be fair, I'm not sure a sibling or a parent giving the talk would bring up queefs. It's just something that happens, and it's usually pretty forgettable.
Then, the misunderstanding begins...
Well at one of my parties a group of college girls showed up (I was still a senior in high school) and the hottest girl of the college group was giving me vibes that she wanted to get it on. One thing let to another and we head up stairs.. Everything started off normal, foreplay and what not, when I finally got her naked I spread her legs so I could go down on her (I like to be a gentlemen and please the girl first). As soon I get down to that region she lets out the smallest 'toot'. Confused, I looked back up at her and she is still in a moaning bliss waiting for me to start as nothing happened. 'Did she just fart on me?' I thought to myself. She was still begging for it so I shrugged my shoulders and we got it on.
Fast forward a week and we're now kind of 'dating,' still having sex at least twice a day like new couples do. And each time she would let out a small 'toot.' I liked her a lot and didn't want to freak her out by asking her about it, so I decided to go to my friends (bad idea). They proceed to tell me that she's known as being a 'freak' in bed and I just need to along with it.
NOOOOO. Not even your friends know what a queef is?? They assume it's her fetish?!
Ok here's when the actual fuck up happens... so that night we start fooling around and this time she wants to go down on me first. She's giving me the typical BJ when she goes down a little further for a little ball play... that's when I cock my legs up and release the biggest fart I could muster. I swear her hair flew back as if she had her face in front of a fan. She immediately stops what she's doing and looks back at me in disgust. I smiled with pride and said 'that's all for you babe.'
Now, if she actually had a fart fetish, I'm sure this would have been super... romantic?
Sadly, she did not. He writes,
She locked herself in my bathroom and cried until she let me call one of her friends to come pick her up.
This is exactly the appropriate reaction to someone farting on your face and then saying, "That's all for you, babe."
There is, however, a happy ending.
...that girl is now my wife btw...
Love works in mysterious ways.