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9 Reasons I Can't Help But Feel Bad For Brock Turner

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School is back in session, and with the beginning of the school year comes the start of every high schooler's fantasy: college parties.

Now that I'm a senior in college, I can't help but look back and reminisce on all of the incredible experiences I had at college parties. With all the stress I encounter on a day-to-day basis in school, I've found that parties are the perfect time to unwind.

All college students can relate to this, but it's especially true for male athletes, as we all know just how difficult it is to be a top-performing athlete at a university in today's society.

By now, almost everyone has heard about a male college athlete who unsuccessfully tried to blow off some steam partying: the one and only Brock Turner.

This poor guy was simply trying to relieve some stress at a college party, and now nobody can seem to leave him alone.

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On behalf of everyone who has criticized you during your three months in prison, I'm sorry, Brock. I feel bad for what you've gone through.

Here are a few reasons why:

1. Your Stanford education forgot to highlight the rules of cause and effect.

Normally, students are taught from a young age that when x happens, y will be the result.  They learn that their choices always have consequences. You, on the other hand, paid — or rather, had your parents pay — more than $45,000 a year for you to never learn that when you sexually assault someone, you also destroy her confidence, her ability to handle day-to-day activities and her life.

2. It also never taught you the difference between "accident" and "incident."

Sexual assault is not an accident. You accidentally trip and fall walking outside, you don't accidentally take off an unconscious woman's clothes while walking outside. It was no accident that you sexually assaulted this poor woman, stripping her of not only her clothes, but of her comfort in her own skin.

3. Jail food tastes almost as awful as knowing your ruined someone's life.

Food in jail is cheap and by all accounts, not very appetizing. You know what else is cheap and unappetizing? Your ability to ruin someone's life and feel no remorse. Your "good behavior" was rewarded after three short months, and her 'bad behavior' is continually being punished because of your narcissistic manipulation.

4. Your "20 minutes of action" wasn't worth the price you're now paying.

You spent 20 minutes sexually assaulting a woman behind a dumpster. Those '20 minutes of action' were an action, alright. They were 1,200 seconds of mental, emotional, and physical mutilation acting on your victim, and now, months after this action, you are now barricaded in your home because the whole world knows the truth about those 20 minutes.

5. The labels on those alcohol bottles and beer cans didn't properly warn you that you may rape someone.

Who knew that alcohol is equal to sexual assault? I guess Budweiser, Skyy and Bacardi need to spend thousands of dollars reprinting their labels since, according to you, binge-drinking is the reason for sexual assault, and the whole world is unaware of this phenomena.

6. It also must really suck to want to hook up with someone at a party but have no one give you consent.

You told the jury and police that the night of the assault, you wanted to hook up with someone. But when the victim's sister told you no after you aggressively tried to kiss her, and when nobody else was attracted to the drunken vibes you were putting out, you decided that someone who was unconscious would probably be the best target.

And when police reported the assault, you told them that she "liked it." Judging by what she told the police, she most certainly did not "like it." I'm sure that was incredibly damaging to your pride, just as it was detrimental to her entire well-being.

7. Your swim team never taught you what respect for other people means.

Teams are supposed to teach you respect for yourself and others, but apparently Stanford's swim team is more focused on being good in the water than good to other people.

Those peers of yours, who are praised for their athletic abilities, didn't demonstrate good values and didn't hold you accountable for your attitude toward sex and respecting others.

8. Your sentence will never teach you the difference between right and wrong.

Aside from the fact that Judge Ignorance didn't even require you to serve the minimum sentence for sexual assault, you only served that sentence for three months.

Three short months, barely the length of a season. While you were sitting there with your "good behavior," your victim was quitting her job, trying to find the motivation to get up every day and searching for the strength to just survive.

You received an incredibly light sentence, and now, you're home with your family, like your devastating assault never occurred and a life wasn't damaged.

9. Your parents never taught you what a man really is.

Most of all, I feel bad that your parents never taught you what it means to be a man.

They set you up with the opportunity to get a good education and catered to your every need. And now, you're just another reason why sexual assault and rape victims don't come forward.

You are the reason victims are scared to step forward. You are the reason why sexual assault is continually on the rise and why women are scared for their lives every time they take a step into public.

You are not a man, Brock Turner. You are another link in the chain that holds society back from giving victims the ability to voice the truth.

Editor's note: This post is written in a satirical tone and reflects the position of the author. It does not reflect the official position of Elite Daily.