This Mattress Can Apparently Tell You If Your Partner Is Cheating

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Is your significant other acting super sus lately? Do you wonder where he or she is when you're stuck at your stupid job? Have you considered hiring a private detective to tail your boo? Are you a f*cking insane person?

If you answered "yes" to even part of one of the questions above, you'll definitely end up buying a Smarttress, and I probably deserve a cut of the commission.

The new bed by Durmet was created to help solve a supposed “global infidelity crisis" by installing sensors that report back to the owner with the speed, duration and intensity of any shady lovemaking that occurs on site.

I'm not sure if this is even a real product, but in the event it is, it's a coup not only for the paranoid married community, but also the competitive singles community, as well!

Just imagine, instead of having dumb regular sex and calling it a day, you can follow up by comparing your stats with friends and deciding once and for all whose P or V is the best in the game!

Consider this a challenge, all my competitive friends. Enjoy that title while you still can.

Citations: The Infidelity-Detecting Mattress Is Now a Thing (ELLE)