Drunk Man Had Sex With A Parked Van, So His Night Got Weirder Than Yours

by Candice Jalili

What's your type? Tall, funny guys with blond hair? Short, nice girls with big boobs and brown hair? Large automobiles with four wheels?

Wait... what?

Yes, you read that correctly. In some of the stranger news you'll read this fine Thursday, an Ohio man has been arrested for attempting to have sex with a van.

Police arrested the man Tuesday night after witnesses say they saw him trying to make love to the parked car. According to police reports, officers received calls around 8 pm from people reporting that a man was "pulling his pants down and swinging on a stop sign."

Police arrived in the area and found the man walking close by, wearing only black gym shorts and shoes. According to reports, the man, Michael Henson, appeared to be under the influence.

Well, I SURE WOULD HOPE he was intoxicated when he decided porking a van would be a good idea.

Officers put Henson in the back of the police car and spoke with one of the witnesses who originally called them. The woman explained she first saw Henson standing near a van parked on the street. Henson then proceeded to pull down his shorts... and put his privates in the front grill of the van.

This is not a drill, you guys. A man pulled down his shorts and stuck his junk in the grill of a van. A man tried to bone a parked car. This is a real thing that happened.

The woman explained that he did this for a while, then appeared to pass out in a yard nearby. That's when she decided to call the police. He was arrested for public indecency and is now spending time in the Montgomery County Jail.

This has got to be the worst story to ever be relayed to you after blacking out the night before. Like, I thought it was bad when I walked through the Taco Bell drive thru and ordered the entire menu. BUT THIS TAKES THE CAKE.

Or should I say taco?

Citations: Man arrested after trying to have sex with a van (2News)