I just got a new iPhone 7, a fact I've included in my Tinder bio in order to show the single women of this city that I am the type of man who does not know how and when to spend money (it's rose gold because I'm secure in my masculinity).
With the new phone comes the new iOS and, with that, a bunch of peculiar and overeager messaging effects.
Examples of these effects include the following:
As well as this confetti effect whenever you type "congratulations":
And this animation whenever you type the words "happy birthday." It's as though Apple is TRYING to give you ways to annoy your friends and loved ones:
You may have seen commercials for these effects on Hulu and the like.
These ads are their own little horror shows because they're filmed with the sort of gravitas usually reserved for Oscar "in memoriam" tribute montages.
This one, in particular, seems to suggest that being able to see an animation of balloons sometimes bears the emotional weight akin to falling in love or being reunited with a loved one after a brutal war.
Anyway, now iOS 10.1 has arrived and, as Mashable points out, these "screen-filling effects" are now forced upon you.
Until the most recent update, you were able to set your phone to "reduce motion," which meant that all the effects would be turned off. But in the new version of iOS, that option has been removed.
Yes, they removed the previous option to disable the effects and now you have to sometimes see and send romantic prospects corny and elaborate text animations that communicate one message and one message only: "I am boring and unlikable."
There is, however, a new option that allows you to disable these effects:
Settings > Accessibility > Reduce Motion > Auto-play Message Effects.
Am I too angry about this? Maybe.
Should I focus on more important issues like the election, racism, xenophobia and climate change? Sure.
Should you mind your own business and stop judging me? Yeah.
Should you, rhetorically, go fuck yourself? Yes.
Should I keep asking accusatory rhetorical questions? No.
(I'm on Tinder by the way. Hit me up. I have an iPhone 7.)