How do you keep a woman? Simple. Log on to Twitter.
The only thing harder than getting a woman is keeping a woman. I'm not saying women are irrational, fearmongering ninjas of manipulation masking themselves under their outer cloaks of scarves and large sweaters. That's not what I'm saying at all, OK?! I would NEVER say that.
What I am saying is literally everything one does in front of a female has the potential to end a relationship. We dudes are stupid and impulsive.
I don't think I've thoroughly thought through any of my actions since 2007 when I was applying to colleges, and, even then, I would have gone anywhere if my mom hadn't threatened to take away my car unless I took the process more seriously.
Luckily, the men of Twitter banded together to try and help each other navigate the minefield of keeping a woman, using the hashtag #HowToKeepHer2016. Some women threw in some tips, too.
Maybe not the "solve them" part, but the rest of this advice is OK.
Chill the hell out, dude.
I'm still not 100 percent sure what this guy thinks.
#HowToKeepHer2016 1. Money 2. Currency 3. Legal Tender 4. Banknotes 5. Bills of Exchange 6. Cash 7. Coinage 8. Moolah 9 10. Mbesha — Olokun Orunmilla (@TheBahati) February 8, 2016
Here's a quote by known ladies' man Nelson Mandela.
Want to keep your girl? Be honest with her -- HONEST ABOUT HOW EFFING RIPPED YOU ARE.
This is pretty important.
#HowToKeepHer2016 easy, buy her food — Luke Hemmings (@Luke5SOShahajk) February 8, 2016
Or, like, maybe don't exclusively hang with Vikings?
Basically, pretend she is the Stanley Cup.
Tickle her funny bone, and then she'll do stuff to your regular bone.
#HowToKeepHer2016 Have a sense of humour — Leeza (@Punder_Woman) February 8, 2016
You. Will. Die.
#HowToKeepHer2016 Don't touch her wine if you want to live — Leeza (@Punder_Woman) February 8, 2016
Ugh, OK, grandpa!
You know, like in the movies!
Got it? Great! Now go out there and keep your woman!