Dating, Decoded

I Slept With Someone & Then He Lost Interest. What Happened?

I’m confused because the sex was great.

Q: I recently went on a second date with a guy I met on a dating app, and we slept together. I thought our chemistry was great and we both had a really fun time (he also gave a lot of positive feedback while we were hooking up). But suddenly he's become less responsive over text and I'm wondering what happened. At what point should I keep initiating conversation, and at what point should I let it go? — Emma*

A: Hi Emma! Boy, have I been here before. It’s suuuper frustrating to have great sex with someone new, walk away feeling confident about it, and then have things fizzle out over the next few days or weeks because the other person started being dodgy and unresponsive. Like, “Hello, am I missing something? I’m great in bed and you should obviously be obsessed with me.” (Or maybe that’s just my Venus in Leo speaking.)

When we’re presented with a lack of information, it’s human nature to fill in the gaps. This guy isn’t doing his part to communicate what he’s feeling right now, so you’re left wondering, “Was it the sex? Was it something I said? Is he no longer into me now that we’ve hooked up?? WTF?” I want to validate that it’s normal to feel those things. Try not to be too hard on yourself for having a very natural reaction to a confusing situation. Anyone would feel this way.

On the flip side, it’s prooobably not all that helpful to go down a rabbit hole of analyzing what might have gone wrong here. The truth is that you just don’t know — and what’s more, it probably has very little to do with you. Maybe this guy has commitment issues and always backs out after a few dates. Maybe he got busy at work and didn’t tell you. Maybe he’s juggling a dating roster he can’t realistically handle. Maybe he always saw this as a sex-only thing but isn’t saying that outright. Maybe he was so intimidated by your beauty, intelligence, and skills in the bedroom that he panicked because he knew he didn’t deserve you. (Personally, I support adopting this narrative if you’re going to have one.)

I’m not saying that to excuse his sh*tty dating behavior, but simply to remind you that people have all kinds of stuff going on that you’d never know from looking at their social media or going on a few dates with them. Especially when it comes to sex, a lot of folks are notoriously bad communicators about what they want.

The facts of the situation are: 1) You had fun together and were excited about him. 2) Whether intentionally or not, he’s not treating you how you’d like to be treated right now. Those things are both true, and what you can control is how you decide to proceed.

Does this feel like an NBD, run-of-the-mill situationship that you could take or leave? Are you still dating other people or at least open to it? OK, then go ahead and ask to set up plans if you’d like to see him again. If he doesn’t take you up on them or if he straight-up ghosts you, you have your answer.

But — and this “but” is important — if you’re feeling anxious and overthinking every message (or lack thereof) from him, it’s probably time to call it. Someone you’ve been on a couple of dates with is not worth losing your peace over. And are you really going to have fun hooking up with him again if you’re constantly in your head about what he thinks about you, or wondering if he’s going to stop texting you again after this? Probably not, no matter how fun the sex was the first time around.

Whatever is going on with this guy, it’s not yours to take on. You’re going to be happier with people who speak clearly about their intentions, whether they’re a casual hookup buddy or the love of your life. Also, not to minimize all the mediocre-to-bad sex happening out there (I know — I’ve been there), but great sex and chemistry really is something you can find again, ideally with someone who doesn’t make you second-guess yourself. That’s the type of connection worth prioritizing.

*Name has been changed.

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