Cue up some 2012 T-Swift, because you, my dear, are never, ever, ever getting back together with that bozo that broke your heart — like, ever. Talk to your friends, talk to my friends, talk to a slough of dating and relationships experts — love conquers a lot, but sometimes, there are a couple of reasons you should consider never getting back together with your ex.
"We can forgive many things, tolerate many hurtful acts, and learn and grow and change. Dr. Joshua Klapow, clinical psychologist and host of The Kurre and Klapow Show, tells Elite Daily. "There are, however, some acts that are glaring red flags that reuniting could be harmful. While we never say never — in these situations you probably should."
Of course, no one knows your relationship better than you and your boo, and if you can find a way to make your love work, you know what you're doing. But if you're on the fence about getting back together with an ex, there may be some major past red flags worth considering how you visualize your future.
I spoke to seven experts about reason to never, ever, ever, get back together with an ex.
Psychological manipulation (gaslighting). Lying is bad, manipulation along with lying is worse. If they are making up stories, trying to paint you in a way that makes you question your own sanity then you are in the realm of psychological abuse. It is not a mistake — it is an act of aggression. They are not going to change.
If they attack your character, your personal self-worth, if they disrespect your humanity they are not worth going back to. Maybe they humiliate you in public, call into question your intelligence, your appearance, your value as a human being. If humiliation is a part of their relationship with you, then they lack a fundamental respect for you as a human and they are not worth it.
— Dr. Klapow, clinical psychologist
There are two circumstances where it's unforgivable in a relationship and you shouldn't even consider taking your ex back. The first one is if they stole from you. The second and even more unforgivable circumstance is if your ex abuses you in any way, most notably, physically. No matter what happens, there's no situation that requires it to escalate to a physical altercation.
Under no circumstances should you allow this type of behavior to exist inside any romanic relationship and avoid these people at all costs.
— Thomas Edwards Jr., founder of The Professional Wingman
1. Never go back to a partner who has consistently proven they are unfaithful. There are individuals who don't care to be faithful, and value their temporal pleasure over your well-being. This dispositional trait rarely changes. Therefore, you should never get back together if your ex is a serial cheater.
2. Never go back to a partner who has promised (continually) to "change." Whatever issue it was they needed to attend to, you've seen a historical pattern of their inability or unwillingness to make this vital change. This means your partner is unwilling or unable to do what must be done to better themselves and be a better partner.
— Susan Winter, NYC-based relationship expert and love coach
If your partner does anything to put you, your life, your health or that of your family in danger and has absolutely no insight or remorse, run, don’t walk.
— Shula Melamed, MA, MPH, and well-being coach
It is common to want to give others the benefit of the doubt and in most cases, people are willing to improve. However, when someone is not willing to compromise and becomes manipulative (i.e., lying pathologically, begins demeaning you, intentionally tries to create self-doubt within you, or aggressive) or abusive it is very cyclical and terminal. You may think that they will improve or change like they promise to, but it will only get worse over time.
— Clarissa Silva, behavioral scientist, relationship coach and creator of Your Happiness Hypothesis Method
Your ex was a narcissist and was perpetually more preoccupied with their needs, to the exclusion of yours. Most true narcissists do not change very much over time and your hope that they will actually change their true colors will very likely cause you just as much pain, if not more, than when you were with them before. You likely have a wise inner voice that knows better — listen to it — and don’t be motivated to get back with your ex out of loneliness or desperation. You deserve more... settle for more!
— Dr. Gary Brown, a prominent dating and relationship therapist in Los Angeles
If your ex stole money or items from you, a roommate, or a family member. If he or she had an affair while you were together. Lived a double life. Didn’t invite you over to their house while you dated. Purposely embarrassed or hurt someone. These traits show a lack of empathy and a disregard for others and their property.
— Nina Rubin, M.A., relationship coach
If your ex gaslighted you, was abusive, or stole from your or loved ones — it may be time to say goodbye for good. Of course, you know your relationship better than anyone else, and with open communication, drawing healthy boundaries, and sometimes even talking to mental health professionals, sometimes love can save the day. But if you're ready to never, ever, ever get back together with an ex, like, ever — your friends, my friends, and T-Swift totally have your back.
If you believe you may be experiencing gaslighting or any other form of abuse in your relationship, you can reach out to the National Domestic Violence Hotline by calling 1-800-799-3224, or the National Dating Abuse Helpline by calling 866-331-9474 or texting "loveis" to 22522.
