Somewhere during the rise of swiping right, Tinderellas, sailboat pictures, tricking matches into becoming vehicles for pizza delivery, Vanity Fair articles about New York men's sexcapades, emoji-only bios, catfishing, ghosting, and breadcrumbing, I forgot that some people might still be embarrassed by dating apps. But alas, they are! Because I continue to see profiles that say, "Let's say we met at the grocery store." To which I say, "Ew."
I despise dating app bios that make that grocery store fake-out claim. I hate them more than I hate dating app bios that read "SF>NYC>BOS." (I don't care about your moving history! Give me your internet history!)
Here's why I hate this one line so much: First off, it is unoriginal as fudge. Writing, "Let's say we met at [insert IRL spot here]" on your dating app bio was original and cute one time, and one time only — in 2012, when Tinder was invented and a sort-of-funny person wrote it on their bio to break the ice. Yes, fine, the inventor of, "Let's say we met at the grocery store" can have it. You, people of the internet in 2018, cannot, because it has already been said (written)... one million and seven times. Maybe more.
In addition to being unoriginal, I have decided to smack-talk this particular dating app bio trope because it insinuates that dating apps are something to be ashamed of. It is 2018. These days, online dating is more normal than most Americans' bowel movements. Last year, The Knot surveyed 14,000 engaged or recently married people and found that 19 percent met their spouse online, making dating sites and apps the leading way to meet your partner. I don't have a single single friend who doesn't use the apps. Even my 60-year-old father knows what Tinder is. There are Bumble-themed weddings! Celebrities use Raya to attract other celebrities with musical slideshows of themselves!
And even if the argument "everybody's doing it" doesn't work for you because your parents taught you to be an individual and not follow the crowd — "If everybody was going to jump off a bridge, would you?" — I ask you this: What's so weird or embarrassing about meeting someone on the internet versus meeting in a grocery store? I don't know about you, but I spend more time on my phone than I do browsing the produce aisle, anyway.
Truth time: We are all phone monsters who order our taxis, cleaning supplies, booze, takeout, and for the love of God, groceries on the internet. So why is meeting a person you might want to go out with online all that different? Plus, I would argue that sliding into someone's DMs on a dating app is a much more normal than trying to slide into someone's aisle at a grocery store. Walking up to a cutie feeling for a ripe avocado and forcing a meet-cute is rarer than swiping right. Let me shop in peace!
Furthermore, that bio shoots you in the foot. First, potential matches could find the bio could find it borderline insulting. (You're already embarrassed of being seen with them, just because you two met on an app?) And second, because it suggests — or rather, outright states — that you don't want to meet someone on an app and go on a date with them. So why are you here? Why aren't you grocery shopping, if you love that so much?
If you actually want to find a date, a line from Always Sunny or a question like "pizza or tacos?" in your bio will always work better. You can even go with, "Let's say we met on The Bachelor." That would make me giggle. And I'd even consider giving you a rose.