Eight years ago, MTV introduced us to The Situation, JWoww, Pauly D, and more crazy guidos on Jersey Shore, but one meatball rose to the top. Snooki easily became Jersey Shore's breakout star thanks to her penchant for heavy drinking, screaming at juiceheads, and colorful use of language. But now, MTV is launching its newest liquor-soaked reality show, Floribama Shore, to continue the off-the-walls party Jersey Shore started, and that leaves us with one pressing question to answer: Who is the Snooki of Floribama Shore? Enter: Kortni Gilson.
The premiere episode of Floribama Shore (which aired on Monday night) actually gave us a few options for our new Snooki. Aimee is a small-town, country girl with a knack for one-liners, who seems made to be Snooki's GIF-able successor, and Nilsa's unshakeable, drunken persistence at both ordering a pizza and seducing Jeremiah by telling knock-knock jokes about her vagina felt like a whole new chapter in the meatball handbook. But it's Kortni who proves to be the true heir to Snooki's hair poof. And yes, the insane spelling of her name is definitely part of that, but not all of it.
Kortni really just gives you everything you could want in one of these shows. She immediately gets wasted minutes after moving into the house, and then even though she passes out before even going to the club with all her new housemates, she still manages to be the talk of the night by peeing on Candace's bed! And this is all just night one. We also see her terrorize a beach, pee in another place that's not a bathroom, and threaten to punch out a girl's teeth at the club before the premiere episode of Floribama Shore ends. It's actually pretty alarming how she remains at such an incredible level of intoxication for days on end. Not since Snooki before her has anyone so delicately walked the line between making me laugh and making me legitimately concerned for her health and general well-being.
But concern aside, Kortni's love of booze delivers some of the most ridiculous, memorable moments and quotes of Floribama Shore so far. When her roommates ask if she is peeing in a trash can on the beach, she coolly responds with, "Yeah, why the f*ck else would I be in a trash can?" Touché, Kortni. When she thinks some random girl is threatening her friend Nilsa at the club, she musters her social media savvy and, banging her fists together, screams, "Hashtag knock the b*tch the f*ck out, b*tch!" Let's get that trending. And finally, Kortni's pièce de résistance: as she stumbles out of the cab after a long night in a bra, jean shorts, sunglasses, and a half-on baseball cap, she bellows the mantra that I am sure will become an iconic line in this franchise: "I'm a trashed-*ss b*tch!" Truly awe-inspiring.
Along with all these magnificent antics, we actually do get some insight into Kortni's life in the premiere, which may explain with she's going so hard in this new house. Nilsa, who knows Kortni from before Floribama Shore, revealed that Kortni lived with her parents up until this point, so she's probably just enjoying the full lengths of her newfound freedom. Plus, at 21, she's the youngest of the whole group. All of this seems like a perfect storm for a lot more insanity to come from Kortni. Although, hopefully it won't get as violent as it nearly did at the end of the premiere, when she nearly punched a girl for making a supposedly threatening gesture at Nilsa.
Floribama Shore airs 10 p.m. ET Monday nights on MTV.