When Having Sex With Someone New, This Is The One Thing Experts Recommend
From getting it on at the first date to waiting till marriage to go all the way — there's no wrong or right way to have sex for the first time with someone. Still, when it comes to having sex with someone new there may be some things to take into account. From discussing boundaries and contraceptives to past sexual history and preferred foreplay, a little conversation can go a long way in making your sex life the best it can be. When it comes to getting it on with someone new, the most important thing to do could be taking pressure off yourself to make your encounter the best sex ever. "Most new encounters with a new partner [are] very exploratory and 50 percent of the time does not result in an orgasm," Clarissa Silva, behavioral scientist and creator of Your Happiness Hypothesis Method, tells Elite Daily. "A new partner brings on needing to learn works for both of you." Stressing over finishing or making your new sexual partner finish can add some extra unwelcome tension to your sex.
Having sex with someone new is also the best time to talk about your boundaries in the bedroom. "Sexual and relationship boundaries are your hard 'No's', or where you draw the line," Amy Boyajian, cofounder and CEO of Wild Flower, tells Elite Daily. "Another flex of your communication skills is to let your partner know what you do want and desire. Most likely your new partner isn’t a mind reader, so letting them know what feels good to you beforehand, as well as in real time, is a must for better sex." Letting the person you're sleeping with in on what turns you on, and more importantly, what turns you off is a great way to start a new sexual connection. Stating your preferences and comfort levels before things start getting hot can ensure your comfort and safety is prioritized throughout your time together.
Of course, sometimes it can be hard to know what your sexual boundaries are, let alone know them well enough to share them with someone new. Boyajian suggests doing a little sexy day dreaming before communicating with your boo. "Think about what your ideal sexual experience would be and what it would include," Boyajian says. "Then picture what it would not include. Are you into oral sex but uncomfortable with penetration? Excited by the idea of rimming, but not by anything being inserted into your butt? These are all boundaries. This also creates a tone of openness with your new partner if you find yourself hooking up with them again." Thinking about what turns you on and what doesn't feel quite right before doing anything with a new partner can establish that everyone's boundaries are a main priority when getting it on. For McKenna Maness, sex educator and former education and prevention coordinator at The Santa Cruz AIDS Project (SCAP), the most important thing to do before having sex with someone new is to have a very direct discussion about your sexual history. "You need to talk about STIs, consent, boundaries and what specifically you're down to do, so there are no surprises," Maness tells Elite Daily. If you're sleeping with someone new, they may not be super in tune with your comfort levels. According to Maness, it can be super important to state what you're not comfy with, so you're not surprised by anything as the heat turns up.
Sleeping with someone new can also allow you to take some time for self reflection. Before jumping in between the sheets, it can be super important to make sure that sleeping with this person is totally what you want to be doing. "Check in with yourself," Lola Jean, sex educator and mental health professional, tells Elite Daily. "Oftentimes, it can feel like you have something to prove, so you lose sight of how you're feeling and what you want in a moment. Never lose sight of this — make a point to check in with yourself.'"
Additionally, Jean attests to the importance of communicating your intent when getting frisky with someone new, before having sex with them. If you're looking for a one-night hookup and your date is trying to boo you up, of if you're looking for something monogamous and your date isn't looking for an exclusive relationship, it can super important to discuss that before getting it on. "Communicating your intent is important — Be judgement-free," Jean says. "Just as we shouldn’t let others shame us we shouldn’t do so either. Try your best to make a welcoming environment and be perceptive and celebratory to others differences."
Apart from talking boundaries, consent, and intent, bringing up contraceptives can be a super important step. According to Silva, "Bring your own protection. We've seen a rapid increase in STDs in the US with 2017 as the year with the most reported STD cases. 50 percent of all new STDs cases are among 15–24 years old." Speaking to your date about how you're staying protected from pregnancy and STIs is super important before getting to the sexy stuff.
When it comes to getting it with someone new, there can be a few items to check off your list before really getting down to it. Taking pressure of yourself to finish or make your partner finish can let you embrace the fun and connection in the moment. Speaking about boundaries and preferences can keep everyone safe and comfortable and sharing what you're looking for in sleeping with this person can keep everyone on the same page. Of course, discussing contraceptives is also a big step in making sure your body stays healthy and strong. Having sex with a new person is totally fun and exciting — keeping these conversation topics in mind can help you feel good as it all goes down.